How are you?

That is the very first inquiry being stumbled upon in almost every encounter. People around me are concerned with my emotional and mental tides. They question my relationship status, my physical appearance (hair, hands, weight, skin), my makeup, my attitude, my laughter, my sadness etc. Mostly, I get flooded with my university life. Is it boring? Do you like the course you're studying? Are the lectures professional? Etc. Well, here's my life in university.

I started university at the end of August; ahead of most UK universities. And no, I am still marooned in Malaysia unfortunately. It was just another ordinary day driving to university. The traffic was moderate, the road was paved, the cars were wheezing past me. However, there was a swarm a panic attack in me when I stepped into the lecture room: It had been quite some time since the last time I stepped foot into a classroom, mingling around with a group of students and studying in the same room. Hence, the instant panic attack swerved right in the pit of my stomach. Thankfully, my friends from MCKL were there, and the panic ebbed. Classes went on the rest of the day. The first week of class were just a mere introduction to the core subjects that I would be taking in the first semester. Oh wait, I am a International Business Management Year 1. Classes were ordinary but I finally got to "savour" the bittersweet assignments that most students were dreaded. Though ardous, I actually find joy in completing them: hours and hours of information research and to put them into 1,500 words of essay, now that's something that I have never done in my whole life. Coming from a purely rigid A-level system, assignments were definitely something that I kinda looking forward to. In the past, everything came down to this final crucial exam; however in university, my assessment is separated into 2 distinctive parts. Some subjects carry 50% weightage whereas some (Commercial Law) carry 30% of coursework. Referencing and plagiarising are foreign to me. I am still trying to get used to writing my referencing and avoiding plagiarism.

For those who have known me since the good high school and MCKL days, you know this girl is known as the Tupperware, diligently packs her lunch to school all year long. This makes no difference in university life too. Reason being, there is critically lack of food supplies in my vicinity. I wanted to break out my comfort zone and start venturing out for food hunts in university but unfortunately Tupperware is still my best friend. Apart of me feels grateful and relief that I still get to devour deliciously healthy homecook food, apart of me feels passive as there is lack of social relationships between my friends. However to much of my surprise, everyone in my university packs their lunch. To be exact, majority of the Chinese packs their lunch. Other races such as Malays, Indians, Arabians, Europeans mostly purchase food from the cafeteria.

I drive to university everyday. Many people are shocked by my transportation. I drive 120km/hr on average thus it only takes me a good 45-50 minutes to reach my university. However, it will take a 2 hour to reach my destination if i were to be caught in a traffic jam. Look at the huge duration. I drive really swiftly because I enjoy the high speed wheezed of my car. This 50 minute of car journey is not as severe as I would have pictured. It is a 50 minute of full speed not a long journey of stationary mode eg Sunway and Subang. Bless these friends who have to suffer rush hour jam daily. On a side note, I have a little companion with me every Monday and Friday. Her name is Cheryl! We were classmates for a year back in A-level English Literature and now we are not only classmates but we are more like sisters now. Bless to have her!

The people or the peers. Here comes the most anticipated question that everyone is dying to know - have you met any cute guys yet? Uh, honestly, no. I don't see anyone cute yet. Everyone in my class is so nerdy: they shuffle their bags and scuttle their way back home. I have tried asking them out but everyone insists of returning back to their hostel??? I don't get you people. On the contrary, I have joined Frisbee club and Running club. Boy, I have to say the people there are active in sports and guess what most of them are from engineering course. Unbelievable right? It is so ironic that Business students are so passive whereas the engineering students are active participants in those clubs.

Overall, I have to say university is a brand new start for me. I have suffered tremendously in 2017. I didn't know how did I even overcome it. Thinking back it now makes me realise that life, goes on. I am happier and I am so proud of myself. From a girl who couldn't even drive properly, hardly go out for lunch and now I am driving to an hours' drive of journey and even had my very first slice of pizza of the year. To the girl back then, let me tell you, you're stronger than you think.

Wild embers

Wild embers in the wilderness glow and glimmer,

They gleam; for darkness attempts to wallow and swallow, 

They flared eventually; for the sun shines and glows.

Our love was like the sun,

Potent, gallantry and dominant,

Alas, there was no locus of control.

There still shines a light to the loss:

The sun still stands and the solar still orbits,

Our youth is the beauty that emits,

Our future is the force that persists,

That perhaps someday time permits,

And somewhere we exist. 

If the ember dies, just remember that we once were;

Wild embers in the wilderness glow and glimmer,

They gleam; for darkness attempts to wallow and swallow, 

They flare eventually; for the sun shines and glows.

No regrets. No tempestuous heat. 

Just let the air gently blow.

/Quoting Nikita Gill from the title of my poem: same title, distinctive style of writing./

Honey it's a great big world out there

This will be a post regarding my life after a level and my devastated recuperation.i went on 2 trips immediately after my a levels: Hong Kong and Port Dickson. I promise, PD blogpost will be up soon.  However, today I’m going to be talking about my very first working experience in my entire 19 years of living. *shrieks with excitement- not because of working but blogging this* 

Instead of translating my experience into prose like I always did in the past, this time I’d instead be segmenting them into questions. Lately, I’ve been flooding with tones of enquiries regarding my job. So let’s get started! (Great, now I’m beginning to sound like those quintessential Youtubers)

1. How did you apply for the job?

As a matter of fact, I didn’t! My friend offered me the job! Since both me and shop owner were desperately looking for workers and since it was during the month of Raya where most Malay workers would be plodding through their labour so I figure let’s take it. 

2. How was the interview?

I walked in to Adidas and the manager immediately handed me the application form. No specific skills or qualifications is required. I just inquired a few important ones. 

3. What’s your basic pay, commission, OT?

My basic pay is rm1248. Rm6/hour of wage rate. Even though it is off the minimum wage rate, it’s still enduringly low. However, the OT is about rm9/hour. Before y’all get ecstatic about the commission since your girl is working under one of the pretentious sports centre, we each get 1% of commission from our sales. HA. Talk about that.

4. Do you get any staff discounts?

Get this, even though I’m wearing Adidas attire at work, on my last day of work, I had to return everything. Honestly, I wouldn’t want to keep them either. I was given a pair of extremely worn out and luridly hot pink oversized sport shoes, 2 pairs of oversized yoga pants and dull coloured tee shirt for work. Can you picture how horribly hideous colours they are? Lastly, I don’t get to enjoy any staff discounts AT ALL as I was just a part timer. Talk about that. 

5. Share us with your experience!

-One of the most memorable experience that would forever engraved deeply in me would be during my first day of work: I was still waddling and wobbling through my day and all of the sudden there was this customer of mine enquired for my assistance and bought pairs and pairs of socks which worth rm1125 from me. I was absolutely overwhelmed that I caught a big fat fish on my first day of work. 

-I have had a few new friends from my work place. One of them would be this Chinese guy, whom I deeply revered and admired accessibly. He has helped me tremendously: from getting socks from the staff room on the first day of work, teaching me bout the barcodes and scanners, tying and loosening shoe laces, putting on price tags, hanging back the apparels neatly, to buying me Shih Lin fried chicken, my all time favourite Llao llao, Juiceworks, to confiding personal issues, to sharing his life experiences. If you’re reading this man, I just want to let you know how extremely grateful I am to have met you, to work alongside with you, to teach me, to being able to share my family’s secret recipe. I may be viewed as a dirty speck of dust in you but you are an extraordinary man for me.Thank you, I wouldn’t have made it without you. Ps, he is nothing but a mere bosom of mine, no personal relations is ever intended.

-On my 3rd mid week of work, I encountered some digressions at work for the first time. I was utterly being weighed down and so guilty by heart. However, there was a pair of gay Thai couple who somehow put a smile on my face and brighten up my day: He was contemplating to whether to purchase the pants in maroon or in black. I only saw him in maroon so this customer strode off to the fitting room and cladded in the black pants just so to ask for my opinion. How amusing was that! Then guess what? He took my consideration and eventually opted the maroon one like I suggested. He is the best and I shall always remember him. 

-A day without manager around is a day of full sloths! Every week of the day when the manager is not around, all of us would be fooling around and burying our heads down our phones and our eyes are glued to the screen. We got to try on the apparels and tried on those fancy pairs of Ultra Boost. I even threw on the cozy hoodie the whole day while I was working. Nobody noticed it as long as I hid the price tag well. 

Well, I guess that’s the end of my working experience. It was a short 32 working days, but I have gained and matured a lot. It has made me realise that there is opportunity out there awaiting for me to divulge, explore and engage for the greater good. I've loved how accessible it is being able to converse and interact with different kind of people everyday. I've also loved how fortunate I was being able to work with a group of people who are so helpful and awesome to hang around with. Thank you to those who dropped by either by coincidental or intentional. Its a whole new world out there. Well, there goes my first part time job. Till then, xx.

Summer Holiday 2017: Hong Kong

4 months ago, Cathay Pacific held major promotion on its flight to Hong Kong for lowest fare at 650 MYR. In the encumbrance and perpetual A2 stress, I decided to buy myself a return ticket to HK even though I have been there twice. I decided to travel immediately a day after the A2 massacre; thinking I could free my mind from all the emotional and mental stress that I have endured during the past 1.5 years. I was really excited to travel. Well, I spoke too soon- It was definitely a huge rush for me to travel immediately because I didn't have sufficient time to research and plan on my itinerary. I was wrong thinking of doing all these travel plans at the very last minute. Needless to say, I was immensely and eternally blessed and gratified of having to travel and foster under my dearest cousin.

KLIA DEPARTURE: 

HONG KONG DAY 1

Arrived in Hong Kong International Airport - Boy, look at the crowd. 

My cousin picked me up from the airport and we took Express Airport Terminal back to her home in 45 minutes. So convenient with their public transport.

Arrived in Sau Kei Wan Station! It was sweltering hot 🔥

First Meal in Hong Kong. Ah the taste of grandma's home made dish 😋

The view from my cousin's place. Serenely beautiful. 

The

In the evening, we went for a walk around her condo. So breathtaking. I was eternally grateful to be here. Being able to witness and experience Hong Kong in a less hustle city lifestyle is what truly appreciates. 

Hong Kong Day 2: 

Both my cousin and I are relatively athletic and adventurous girls so we opted for a hike at Dragon's Back. Let me just say- HOW EASY AND EFFORTLESS WAS THAT HIKE. Despite that, we were still greeted with a pananorma of beauty and tranquility. In the midsf of hustle and bustle of the city in Hong Kong, Mother Nature still stretches its charm.

I took this photo when I was basking on the rocks at the top of the mountain. I screamed on top of my lungs: joy, sorrow, misery, pain, they were all audibly dispensing to this vast land. The view was so magnificent and at one point I thought I was on cloud nine.

Hong Kong Day 3: 

This was the day where I finally got to meet my cousin's pretty Japanese friend, Rei. Hey Rei, if you're reading this just to let you know that you've been an amazing friend to hang out with and I hope to see you soon!

The iconic Victoria's Harbour

We were trying to figure out what pose should we do for that camera 😂

Mong Kok street

// I experienced my very first typhoon in my life and I was strangely beyond excited. Everyone was dreading over its monstrous lash on the ground but your girl here was beaming broadly throughout the typhoon. There was a wave of ferocious gale slapping against my face and my hair was blown all over my face. My cousin and I were being rebellious; not heeding the security guards' warnings about venturing outside: As I struggle to trudge my way out to the gym, the gale was extremely at its call and I could literally feel like I was being able to blow away. It was a massive gale and what a night man. I was glad that we got to stay cosy at my cousin's place while my uncle cooked some scrumptiously warm meal to fuel us up. 

Hong Kong Day 4: Stanley Beach

As the pictures display, despite white and fluffy clouds hanging on the sky, the sun was still scorching ablaze my skin. Yes, your girl is obsessed with summer apparels but is afraid of the sun. The beach is nothing spectacular and the sand is coarse. Despite that, my cousin and I still had a blast 😉 

We headed over to a exorbitantly expensive restaurant for lunch in Stanley. I ordered steamed pumpkin quinoa with chopped cilantro and cranberries for a gist of health. HA

For tea time, my cousin and I took the bus from Stanley Beach to Central to travel as a typical Hong Kong citizen by having our tea time at this dingy stall for its famous pork chop bun. Well as you can tell from the picture, it doesn't look appetising at all. In fact, it was just a sad little poek chop bun. Sigh, we wasted 70HKD for that fallacy. 

Here we have my cutie pie Tricia! Ain't she cute ❤️; my cousin then took us another treat of ice cream to make up the strain and wreckage we just sustained back in that dingy pathetic restaurant. As you can tell from our ecstatic facial expression, everyone was beaming at the camera because the ice cream was absolutely delicious. It was like a party in my tongue! All the flavour were well balanced and thus happiness radiated undoubtedly. 

Hong Kong Day 5: Ocean Park

One of my favourite theme park with one my most of VIP I've ever needed. 

Hong Kong Day 6: Food Haven

I didn't do much on Day 6 except shopping for souvenirs so the title was used as a section where I lay out all the foods I've had and taken photos of in Hong Kong. Dim sums, bubble tea, Wanton mee, pork chop buns are Hong Kong's delights. Without a doubt, I had to try them before I left. Here we have a gallery of Kah Mun gobbling and swooning over Hong Kong's gastronomy 😛

This was the Typhoon night where my uncle made us warm and cosy dinner 😛

Wanton Mee @ Chee Kei in Causeway Bay

This egg waffle was definitely one of the best I've ever had and thank you Rei for the recommendation! 

My greatest grin that broadened my mouth when my eyes were feasted upon dishes upon dishes of scrumptious dim sum 😋 

What a feast!

Hong Kong Day 7: Last Day 

This was my last day in Hong Kong. It was as though a ton of dead weight being landed on my feet, I couldn't move nor trudge my way: this is already my third time visiting this piece of modernity. Each time I came, it left me with different feeling. This time, I felt extremely calm and serene, as I was being shunted away from the hustle and bustle of the city, the blaring sound of honks from the crossed vehicle drivers, the sardine-packed crowd at the MTR station, the gaggle and babble of living. Most importantly, this time, I learnt to appreciate and love what I have in the present: I've met 3 incredible friends of my cousin and we laughed and hanged around as though we have met for year. This has made me realised that I am living in the present, not the past nor future. The present is what it is. Thank you Hong Kong, for everything. I'll come back to you soon. Till then. 

Vacancy

''Tis the land I trod, no pavement nor valley

''Tis the sky I gaze, no clouds nor birds

''Tis the nature I brace, no tress nor follies 

I stand amid the garrulous waves of despair that stir, 

Splashing, pounding and hammering, 

With a feign of smile blinding through the cracks, 

And a heart that is shattered through the clanks, 

Vexed and debated:-

That no one seems to grasp. -Kahmun 2017

This is the poem that I wrote to my lecturer on his birthday that my classmates agreed on. It is a melancholic poem and it's ironic given it is my lecturer's big day. It has nothing to do with him as a matter of fact. However, I remembered distinctively how I garnered my thoughts and conveyed my obdurate to this despair:

I just landed from Hong Kong. Boarded the bus as I was rushing for Sir's birthday dinner. My curiosity and nosiness were what really pierced through my gut to check on you on social media. My eyes were treated upon murk that I've always avoided. Then, My tears were instantly rolling down my cheeks, the saltiness of those pearls fed my lips. I thought I had already moved on but guess what I was just another vulnerable and broken hearted girl. I was blanched in a saturnine mood. My heart literally pounded upon dead weights and metaphorically chocked in a cry of wreckage. With that image on my mind coupled with the gloomy weather, that poem written in ken of shatter.

ANYHOW, PEOPLE, IM POSTING THIS TODAY BECAUSE THIS IS AN AWESOME POEM TO BE FEATURED IN ANY OF YOU BROKEN HEARTED PEOPLE OUT THERE. I hesitated for a while contemplating to whether or publish this poem because it seems sensitive to me but hey its been 6 months now and I've recuperated because Paolo Coelho once says "Life will be a party for you, a grand festival, because life is the moment we're living right now." There's no point crying over spilt milk, life goes on and the earth still rotates no matter what. I'm completely content with my life now, and i am beyond excited with what life offers because "I am an adventurer, looking for treasure." :)

/oh shit, there's an unintended pun/ 

Soar high

'You're an intelligent girl, excelling academically shouldn't be an obstacle to you.'

'You're not a slow learner.'

'You're strong, beautiful and fearless. Who are you? You're Chan Kah Mun, the adamant, confident 

and preserved girl. Heartbreaks don't crush you, YOU crush them.'

'You're deserved to be loved and You're worthy of love.'

'Don't feel sympathetic to the guy who leaves you.'

'You're beautiful.'

'Kahmun in whatever desires to be loved.'

'You shouldn't hold onto someone who has already let you go'

'You will learn to overcome your insecurities to find someone who not only loves being with you, but someone who loves every detail that is you.'

'There is 7 billion people of population in this world, you're only residing in a tiny part of this world-Malaysia. The world offers a huge deal and it awaits you to explore. Don't let this one heartbreak changes your perception and all the hidden gems on earth.'

'You're young and heartbreaks are just part of your journey. Kahmun, you're growing up.'

Thanks guys. For believing in me.

Let go

The times and moments we shared were incredibly astonishing and magical. I remembered the first time we met: you were making fun of my odd accent during camp. Somehow a lightning bolt strike and sparks were ignited when that happened. There were 3 guys in our group and you somehow caught my attention. Never had I ever felt this tinge of infatuation to a guy before. It was surreal. Last 3 days of spending time with you in camp was painfully enjoyable. It is oxymoronic because the activity was strenuous especially the last days here we had to wreck our brain cells to play that game; it was also enjoyable we got to spend time together and you may not know this but I purposely pulled myself closer to you during the game and I felt butterflies when we had skin ship. You don't have the most captivating looks but your personality was what really enchanted me. When we were about to leave, I tried to ask you going back home with me but then you had other plans and said that you'd send me our photos. Honestly, I was so excited for that. When your name appeared on my screen, I felt like a little girl getting her slab of chocolate after earning my grades. We started talking more and more and idk where did I muster my courage asking you out for a movie. KLCC. I'll always remember that but I couldn't remember what movie was that HA shit. I remembered we went to Chillis for lunch and boy I was terribly bloated after that gourmet. Not to mention it was an expensive meal! I got tired and you pulled me closer to your clavicle and you may not notice but there was actually a twitch in my smile... It was so surreal...

Fast forward to the day when you asked me to be your girlfriend. Never had I dreamt of being asked by you. Hence the extremely odd reply to your proposal as I wasn't expecting any reciprocal. During the times when we hung out, I never expected a guy like you would fall in love with a girl like me. I thought I was no match for anyone due to my dynamic personality. Yet, you came along and proved to me that I deserved to be loved with all your heart. We felt head over heels for each other. Our friends couldn't stop making fun of us. We glued ourselves together and were so attached to once another. 

April 2016 was an eventful month. We celebrated our first month anniversary by buying me a mini Haagen Daas vanilla/matcha (can't remember which) ice cream and I was on top of the world. We went on your very first try on ice skating. Then we also went to DPC and Mont Kiara for a Korean cuisine dinner. Then it was also my very first time trying Franco and the pancakes were delectable. It was also the month when you were hospitalised. At that moment, my mind was playing jokes with me as I thought it was just another sick joke that you played on. When my mum doubted my anxiety, it struck me that the fact you were hospitalised. My dad volunteered to drop by the hospital just to check you were alright. At that moment, I thought you were going to die and I was helpless in doing so. Anxiety and apprehension were rushing in my adrenaline gush and my heart couldn't stop racing on the way to the hospital. There you were lying on your bed, so weak yet so peaceful. At that moment, I knew I was in love, and I believe you were too. 

We went out for more and more dates, adventures and road trips. All these vividly painted a more realistic picture of us staying together as one. I had so many dreams about you and me, happy ending's all I knew. I had even pictured us taking our graduation photo together with you princess carrying me and collecting our results together, I thought we could travel up north for a short break in Penang as we could crash into your aunt's place. I thought I could sing more songs in the car to Taylor Swift to you. I thought we could snuggle frequently in my room whenever you feel tired after a long drive. I thought I could cook you a proper dinner as I always never fancy the idea of dining out. I thought you could serenade your guitar even though you have a raspy harsh tone. I thought I could receive more flowers as the years followed. I thought we could celebrate more years of Christmas. I thought we could even travel to HK together to strengthen our bond. 

Alas, all good things must come to an end. Happiness is just another fleeting shooting star. Bliss is transience. Up till now I still have no idea how or why you'd fall out of love in me. I tried searching for answers but I give up. I have to. It doesn't matter anymore. The girl whom you're holding hands and laughing gleefully now, yeah that's the reality. I need to snap out of it. I need to let go of the things I couldn't hold on to anymore. It's draining me emotionally day by day. It's funny and entertaining to you but it's wrecking me internally. Congratulations then. You two have won the grand prize. I just hope that you two just don't bother me and flaunt off your perfect relationship. Go do all the activites that you've never done with me and hope you've found the missing piece in me. Have fun. Ciao.

Epilogue:

You'll always be a favourite chapter in my life. 2016 will always be a memorable year.  One day when I reread this chapter, it will not be so painful anymore. Sometimes I hate you for contributing so much that it's surmountable for me to erase them, but I'm still thankful for all these beautiful memories that we made in the past 11 months. Thank you so much for coming into my life. I hope that I've made a huge impact in your life just like you do too in me. You've played a huge part of my life in 2016 but well happiness doesn't last long.

 You're figuratively dead to me now. Goodbye past. 

Valentine's day

This is definitely a long overdue post as I have been pondering over to put this in an excerpt. After 2 months of recuperation, I've finally mustered my gut and ready to talk about this beautifully tragic day about this boy and this girl.

The day started off ordinarily: going to class and studying for A2. The boy and the girl haven't been communicating excessively for a few days. Surprise no surprise, she got miffed and almost cancelled the date. Attention feeds her.

She actually had tuition on that day. The 2 students in the tuition have their own respective partners to celebrate Valentine's Day with. That day, she had a full makeup on and her contact lenses was irritating her eyes. She tried so hard to concentrate. When class was over, she had to drive to Kepong from BU. I know, on Valentine's Day?! But she's neutral with the idea because the boy has been taking her out since day 1. It was time for a little change.

Seeing her boy dressed suavely in a casual smart tee was what she had been picturing on the way to his comfort. In reality, he just woke up from his nap and was still in his ugly but cute tee shirt and shorts. She has always loved seeing him in his comfy Hawaiian shorts. He led her to his room while his hands were pressed against my eyes. She tried not to get suspicious but she knew something was up. She just didn't know what.

After half an hour, he stormed into his room and presented the most beautiful bouquet of flowers in front of her eyes. She was infinitely rejoiced and overwhelmed. That was the first ever bouquet of flowers she had ever received. Some roses had bloomed whereas some were still in their shut eye. She planted a kiss on the boy's lips and uttered 'I love you'.

They then went for a romantic dinner at Italiannese. The atmosphere was romantically and endearingly dim and it was a night for all the couples out there. Be it the young, same sex or the old ones. The dinner was spectacular and the girl wouldn't want this night to end. She was grinning the whole night as she contemplated over how lucky she was having him as her partner. She longed, expected and demanded for more. She pictured spending more years of Valentine's Day with him.

Alas, it didn't turn out the way she wanted. Everything ended in a blink of an eye. Those last moments that they spent in her car were blood, sweat and tears. She begged for him to stay and continue loving her. She begged for a change. She begged for a restart. Unfortunately, the boy insisted and was adamant about his decision. Tears were incessantly rolling down her cheeks as pangs of heartbreak were audible now. They held and shared one last kiss together and she drove off while watching him turning his back against her. 

Alone in the car while Air Supply's "All Out Love" was synchronized (Geez, what a great song at the right time huh). The tears were just like those rebellious teens, fighting and rolling around her eyes. She couldn't fight back the tears and they poured down like a downfall. Thank god she had her waterproof mascara on. And then she went home and kept staring at those beautiful roses that he bestowed.

Here is the Valentine's Day story about a boy and a girl whom the latter thought she would spend her the rest of the upcoming days with. Alas, the love potion ran out and it is time to revert back to reality. However, it was still a memorable day. 

A beautifully tragic day. 

To you

It's been more than a month since the relationship ended. I had my utmost devastation for the past 2 weeks after breaking up. I couldn't have a proper appetite to be appeased; nor a well rest shut eye. You used to come and visit in my dreams, and every night I woke up feeling angst and anxious. 2 weeks after breaking up, I was completely morose and forlorn. People have been noticing a change in my body mass as much weight has been shed. The dark circles underneath my ears have gotten a few shades darker and I felt vapid as if I've lost part of my soul. I bawled occasionally and even googled remedies on how to get him back. How stupid was i you must be thinking. Haha. Imploring, crying and whining for his comeback etc. I've done all those. For those who are going through a heartbreak, it is completely normal to behave in such a way. It's the most natural thing to do when someone whom you've loved left you. Life is never a bed of roses, and tell yourself that it is a free permit to react absurdly.

What's the powerful thing on earth? I'd say time. All those depression, devastations, disappointments and discomfit that you might encounter them. Instead of curbing them, let loose of them. Let time do its magic. I wouldn't lie that it's going to be hard for me to move on.

 It's a 11month+ of beautiful memories, no fights, no bickering and no resentment. Just love and passion that we once shared. Of course it's hard, but I'm getting better day by day. Thank you so much for these beautiful and joyful memories. Thank you for treating me like a phoenix back then. Thank you for all the spontaneous trips from Malacca to Taiping to Kampar and to Penang. Thank you for always tolerating my nasty behaviour. Thank you for always waiting for my class to end and taking the train together back home.We fell head over heels for each other and this was also my very first time that I've ever truly madly and deeply in love in someone else. It feels like I've known you since forever. Your caress, your twitch, your hair, your pimples, your birthmark are so distinctive in my eye. Your smell always permeates homely masculinity in my vicinity. Your voice, yes the raspy yet dreamy voice of yours was what that really enchanted me during our first encounter. It really stings me that our story has ended but i have no regrets because we have made it our best and maybe we are not meant for each other. If you are reading this i'm pretty sure you'd be there holding another girl's hands and enjoying each other's company. I wish that you'd find your purpose and maybe just maybe you'll settle down even earlier than i do. Please remember to invite me to your wedding! 2016 will always be my favourite year and I'm so glad that you were the one I got to share my journey in a level at MCKL with you. You'll always be my favourite chapter in the book of my life. Though We may not be able finish this path together I wish the both of us the best of luck in future. We may not share that special bond anymore but I'll always have your back. For now, individuality is what matters to me. Focus on yourself and fruitfulness will just bear. 

Fearless

For the past 3 weeks I had been submerged and enshrouded in the sea of depression. No kidding. Sometimes I can be on top of the world, sometimes I can be dragged down to the dumps. It's terrifying and draining me emotionally. I've lost couple inches of busts that my mum noticed. I have always been eating but not as big portion as I used to. I wasn't being myself for the past 3 weeks, as if she had been summoned to the underworld.

Fortunately I've been reaching out my friends. Some gave me remarkably positive and rational advice whereas some gave me cynical and condescending advice. Either way, it's my choice to whether adhere to them. I want to immensely and gingerly thank Cheryl, for she was the one who had seen my utmost devastation, comforting me, caring for me even though we've only each other for a year and 3 months. And also my cousin, Tze Wei. Thank you for picking up the phone whenever I'm not on my right track and your endless rational take on depression and relationships. Thank you for giving me your space in HK. Lastly, Liven. I don't know how to put this but thank you for allowing me to barge into your house and the vacancy to pour my soul and emotions out until late 12 midnight.
I've been undergoing 'rehabilitation' for my state. I have been surrounding myself with friends and confiding college friends whom I'm not even close with. Thank you Elia and Anchita. Ugh it was so embarrassing but thank you for lending me your shoulders. And you guys are the wisest though being younger at my age.

I was at my utmost downfall for the past 3 weeks. People often perceive me as the bubbly, carefree and strong girl who doesn't bother any obstacles ahead. Yes, I AM that kind of person. I am always laid back during the exams and genial to all criticisms. For the past 3 weeks, I've realised that even the strongest person will have their meltdown point. When that happens, they'll either go resilient or lash them out.

 However, I firmly believe in myself that all these are just temporary. That it's okay to let it all out for the time being. When everything's all resolved, you'll feel a flush of relief.The badass, studios(not exactly), carefree, bubbly Kahmun is somewhere buried deep down inside. I'll have to find a way to dig her out from this sea of depression. She's been trying to swim back up shore, but she'll be back. She's witty, genial and last but not least she's fearless. Wait for her comeback. X