My fear of losing has been burgeoning since 2 years ago, it's becoming more palpable as the years wear on. Just as you think 'my fear of losing' is deemed academically then you're wrong. I don't really care about academics anymore because I believe that God has rendered some special gift that I've yet to unravel and it's certainly not academic excellence. Many people see me as a well performed student, ironically I'm not. It has been a sheer luck of mine wending through the top class for 7 years of primary and secondary education. When I turned 16, I realised that my academic performance has been going downhill and I had strived to climb back up, ironically it didn't turn out to be what I had expected. Here comes a level, once again I've slumped. In short, I'm done with academic excellence : at the end of the day, results don't necessarily matter.
My fear of losing is people. I've lost (figuratively) people throughout my life, it was a huge slap on my back. I broke down and even self proclaimed being encumbered into depression (which I'm not). Again and again I've tried to reform and I was so relieved and gratified that high school ended. High school was kind tough because even the slightest personality flaw would have gotten one to be thrown down to the fire pits of hell : friendless, defamation and destructive criticism. This was what my school labelled everyone as. It was absolutely ludicrous but fortunately I made it through with the aid of some of my friends. Friends whom I've never thought of befriending, friends whom I've never thought of bonding with, friends whom I've never thought of pelting with profanities. That's where I've become more vulnerable in trying so hard to keep them with me that eventually crippling me.
It's depriving my soul and I've becoming really vertiginous because I've tried so hard to latch on to someone. When things don't revolve the way I want, I brawl, scream, replete my social media with the nastiest taboos, defaming both parties. A monster within me is unleashed just like what happened back in 2014 where i let my inner hulk to consume me, thus all the resentments. When things go wrong( things I've planned), I blame the other party from one's personality, history and even friends. It was reproachful even as I'm writing it. However, I don't feel a single repentance of what I've pelted against them because in my mind they're wrong, they're the ones who take away from the things I love, they should pay (of course with the power of words not arsenals). All of the sudden, a demon is summoned and all those taboos are conjured. Horrifyingly, I don't feel a single remorse nor repentance, because what's mine is mine.
The fear of losing people that I've loved is surreal to me that I manipulate the situation in order to make them stay. You can say I'm selfish, prodigious jealousy or even a bitch but I'm just securing what belongs to me. I execute all types of strategies and try to secure them but sadly some people don't reciprocate. Hence I've gotten so upset I'm here writing this.
Congratulations for making to the end of this post and that you don't scamper after reading my real and darker side of mine. What I'm saying above is true and all this while new people whom I've associated with have no idea of this but now if any of you do, here you go my true personality. :)
