Leavened

Met we on a blossom bust spring,

Had summer tended upon that flowery string,

That gave ye a green light to my heart,but still leaved me after what we sought¿

Storms and pelts of wrecks hath shared and surpassed;

Here now feeling a blast. 

Joyous January

One year ago, I was in bliss; one year later, I am enthusiastic, passionate and loved not by the very special opposite sex but LOVED by myself and my friends. Ever since I have adopted Law of Attraction into my life, my mind and soul have been rejuvenated. I have been receiving positivity and optimistic sparks and I have never been this elated. I love my life now: no boundaries of romance means I get to spend more time with myself. I have successfully read 4 books in this month and I have met up with 2 of my long-lost friend. My weekly walks with my best friend has been a success. I have once again attended and gave my support for my friend, Liven in her concert. It has definitely been a self-loving month and this shall be continued for the rest of the year.

Thank you, each and everyone of you. 

The Vicissitudes and Baubles of 2017

Wow, such bombastic words feast upon the eyes. It is of consternation morning, I was inspired to write my blog post which was a long overdue. Reason being, I have been so engrossed with my precious books and movies and I just wanted to take my time off from the Internet. Regardless, 2017 was unexceptionally the most grueling but fueling year in my life. Here are the top 4 things that I would like to share and remember notwithstanding the bitter and sweets moments:

1. "Oaths are made to catch gulls with" -The Phantom of the Opera
I recently stumbled upon this quote when I was poring over the classic tragic novel. The beginning of  2017 was scrupulously a heartwrenching and everyday I was greeted with requiem mass. I could hardly compose of myself, so much so I had to cut out someone who were once the most undertaking, suave and of loving person to me. There was a promise made in stored between us, however due to the vicissitudes of life, unforeseen circumstances spelt out and there it was, the smouldering wreckage. Regardless, walking out and deciding not to be stay contacted was one of the best decision I've made and after that day, I had never felt so relieved.

2. "Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage."-Anais Nin
- I took up a part time job and it definitely changed my perception to the outside world. With regards to personal sales achievement, I have garnered more than what I have expected: total commission sales was achieved, my overall salary was handsome. I have met and seen so many different people everyday walking in and out of the store. Some were outgoing whereas some were inimical. One of the most important lesson that I've learnt was that I could never ever please each and everyone in my walk path. (I hate when cliches are right in the head)
- In addition to that quote, I am so eternally grateful to everyone in my life. So grateful that I understand what's best for me. If they are the one, they will stay; if not, purge them out.

3. “Wherever you go becomes a part of you somehow.” -Anita Desai
3 weeks before final examinations commenced, I hopped on a plane to Tokyo, Japan for 8 days and 7 nights. Truth to be spoken, I was so grateful that we are the extraordinary ones: who do not frantically flap our wings to travel all 3 places at once like what most people do. We took slow, steady pace of our own and savour Tokyo's finessed, polished, sophisticated of culture, food, transportation and fully immersed ourselves in their daily routine. Japan has been a marvel and refreshing experience. Will come back for more!!! Osaka, Kyoto and Hokaido!

4. Be Grateful and breathe.
I just want to thank 2017 for everything. Even though I have yet saved the earth, or be an influencer of Daniel Wellington watch, or the winner of Best Face Awards 2017, or a participant in some model contest, I've gained a lot spiritually, personally, mentally and intellectually.

To those who have swam into my life for bolstering me, guiding me, loving me and accepting me,

thank you

;

To those who have swam out of my life like Jaws,

To those whom I have cut out,

To those shallow people from my high school, who used to (or might be now) a miscreant because of my personality or my interest,

To those conceited people who guffaw at my love for English Literature back in high school,

And finally to those who have underestimated my power,

fuck you,

but 

thank you still. 

How are you?

That is the very first inquiry being stumbled upon in almost every encounter. People around me are concerned with my emotional and mental tides. They question my relationship status, my physical appearance (hair, hands, weight, skin), my makeup, my attitude, my laughter, my sadness etc. Mostly, I get flooded with my university life. Is it boring? Do you like the course you're studying? Are the lectures professional? Etc. Well, here's my life in university.

I started university at the end of August; ahead of most UK universities. And no, I am still marooned in Malaysia unfortunately. It was just another ordinary day driving to university. The traffic was moderate, the road was paved, the cars were wheezing past me. However, there was a swarm a panic attack in me when I stepped into the lecture room: It had been quite some time since the last time I stepped foot into a classroom, mingling around with a group of students and studying in the same room. Hence, the instant panic attack swerved right in the pit of my stomach. Thankfully, my friends from MCKL were there, and the panic ebbed. Classes went on the rest of the day. The first week of class were just a mere introduction to the core subjects that I would be taking in the first semester. Oh wait, I am a International Business Management Year 1. Classes were ordinary but I finally got to "savour" the bittersweet assignments that most students were dreaded. Though ardous, I actually find joy in completing them: hours and hours of information research and to put them into 1,500 words of essay, now that's something that I have never done in my whole life. Coming from a purely rigid A-level system, assignments were definitely something that I kinda looking forward to. In the past, everything came down to this final crucial exam; however in university, my assessment is separated into 2 distinctive parts. Some subjects carry 50% weightage whereas some (Commercial Law) carry 30% of coursework. Referencing and plagiarising are foreign to me. I am still trying to get used to writing my referencing and avoiding plagiarism.

For those who have known me since the good high school and MCKL days, you know this girl is known as the Tupperware, diligently packs her lunch to school all year long. This makes no difference in university life too. Reason being, there is critically lack of food supplies in my vicinity. I wanted to break out my comfort zone and start venturing out for food hunts in university but unfortunately Tupperware is still my best friend. Apart of me feels grateful and relief that I still get to devour deliciously healthy homecook food, apart of me feels passive as there is lack of social relationships between my friends. However to much of my surprise, everyone in my university packs their lunch. To be exact, majority of the Chinese packs their lunch. Other races such as Malays, Indians, Arabians, Europeans mostly purchase food from the cafeteria.

I drive to university everyday. Many people are shocked by my transportation. I drive 120km/hr on average thus it only takes me a good 45-50 minutes to reach my university. However, it will take a 2 hour to reach my destination if i were to be caught in a traffic jam. Look at the huge duration. I drive really swiftly because I enjoy the high speed wheezed of my car. This 50 minute of car journey is not as severe as I would have pictured. It is a 50 minute of full speed not a long journey of stationary mode eg Sunway and Subang. Bless these friends who have to suffer rush hour jam daily. On a side note, I have a little companion with me every Monday and Friday. Her name is Cheryl! We were classmates for a year back in A-level English Literature and now we are not only classmates but we are more like sisters now. Bless to have her!

The people or the peers. Here comes the most anticipated question that everyone is dying to know - have you met any cute guys yet? Uh, honestly, no. I don't see anyone cute yet. Everyone in my class is so nerdy: they shuffle their bags and scuttle their way back home. I have tried asking them out but everyone insists of returning back to their hostel??? I don't get you people. On the contrary, I have joined Frisbee club and Running club. Boy, I have to say the people there are active in sports and guess what most of them are from engineering course. Unbelievable right? It is so ironic that Business students are so passive whereas the engineering students are active participants in those clubs.

Overall, I have to say university is a brand new start for me. I have suffered tremendously in 2017. I didn't know how did I even overcome it. Thinking back it now makes me realise that life, goes on. I am happier and I am so proud of myself. From a girl who couldn't even drive properly, hardly go out for lunch and now I am driving to an hours' drive of journey and even had my very first slice of pizza of the year. To the girl back then, let me tell you, you're stronger than you think.

Wild embers

Wild embers in the wilderness glow and glimmer,

They gleam; for darkness attempts to wallow and swallow, 

They flared eventually; for the sun shines and glows.

Our love was like the sun,

Potent, gallantry and dominant,

Alas, there was no locus of control.

There still shines a light to the loss:

The sun still stands and the solar still orbits,

Our youth is the beauty that emits,

Our future is the force that persists,

That perhaps someday time permits,

And somewhere we exist. 

If the ember dies, just remember that we once were;

Wild embers in the wilderness glow and glimmer,

They gleam; for darkness attempts to wallow and swallow, 

They flare eventually; for the sun shines and glows.

No regrets. No tempestuous heat. 

Just let the air gently blow.

/Quoting Nikita Gill from the title of my poem: same title, distinctive style of writing./

Honey it's a great big world out there

This will be a post regarding my life after a level and my devastated recuperation.i went on 2 trips immediately after my a levels: Hong Kong and Port Dickson. I promise, PD blogpost will be up soon.  However, today I’m going to be talking about my very first working experience in my entire 19 years of living. *shrieks with excitement- not because of working but blogging this* 

Instead of translating my experience into prose like I always did in the past, this time I’d instead be segmenting them into questions. Lately, I’ve been flooding with tones of enquiries regarding my job. So let’s get started! (Great, now I’m beginning to sound like those quintessential Youtubers)

1. How did you apply for the job?

As a matter of fact, I didn’t! My friend offered me the job! Since both me and shop owner were desperately looking for workers and since it was during the month of Raya where most Malay workers would be plodding through their labour so I figure let’s take it. 

2. How was the interview?

I walked in to Adidas and the manager immediately handed me the application form. No specific skills or qualifications is required. I just inquired a few important ones. 

3. What’s your basic pay, commission, OT?

My basic pay is rm1248. Rm6/hour of wage rate. Even though it is off the minimum wage rate, it’s still enduringly low. However, the OT is about rm9/hour. Before y’all get ecstatic about the commission since your girl is working under one of the pretentious sports centre, we each get 1% of commission from our sales. HA. Talk about that.

4. Do you get any staff discounts?

Get this, even though I’m wearing Adidas attire at work, on my last day of work, I had to return everything. Honestly, I wouldn’t want to keep them either. I was given a pair of extremely worn out and luridly hot pink oversized sport shoes, 2 pairs of oversized yoga pants and dull coloured tee shirt for work. Can you picture how horribly hideous colours they are? Lastly, I don’t get to enjoy any staff discounts AT ALL as I was just a part timer. Talk about that. 

5. Share us with your experience!

-One of the most memorable experience that would forever engraved deeply in me would be during my first day of work: I was still waddling and wobbling through my day and all of the sudden there was this customer of mine enquired for my assistance and bought pairs and pairs of socks which worth rm1125 from me. I was absolutely overwhelmed that I caught a big fat fish on my first day of work. 

-I have had a few new friends from my work place. One of them would be this Chinese guy, whom I deeply revered and admired accessibly. He has helped me tremendously: from getting socks from the staff room on the first day of work, teaching me bout the barcodes and scanners, tying and loosening shoe laces, putting on price tags, hanging back the apparels neatly, to buying me Shih Lin fried chicken, my all time favourite Llao llao, Juiceworks, to confiding personal issues, to sharing his life experiences. If you’re reading this man, I just want to let you know how extremely grateful I am to have met you, to work alongside with you, to teach me, to being able to share my family’s secret recipe. I may be viewed as a dirty speck of dust in you but you are an extraordinary man for me.Thank you, I wouldn’t have made it without you. Ps, he is nothing but a mere bosom of mine, no personal relations is ever intended.

-On my 3rd mid week of work, I encountered some digressions at work for the first time. I was utterly being weighed down and so guilty by heart. However, there was a pair of gay Thai couple who somehow put a smile on my face and brighten up my day: He was contemplating to whether to purchase the pants in maroon or in black. I only saw him in maroon so this customer strode off to the fitting room and cladded in the black pants just so to ask for my opinion. How amusing was that! Then guess what? He took my consideration and eventually opted the maroon one like I suggested. He is the best and I shall always remember him. 

-A day without manager around is a day of full sloths! Every week of the day when the manager is not around, all of us would be fooling around and burying our heads down our phones and our eyes are glued to the screen. We got to try on the apparels and tried on those fancy pairs of Ultra Boost. I even threw on the cozy hoodie the whole day while I was working. Nobody noticed it as long as I hid the price tag well. 

Well, I guess that’s the end of my working experience. It was a short 32 working days, but I have gained and matured a lot. It has made me realise that there is opportunity out there awaiting for me to divulge, explore and engage for the greater good. I've loved how accessible it is being able to converse and interact with different kind of people everyday. I've also loved how fortunate I was being able to work with a group of people who are so helpful and awesome to hang around with. Thank you to those who dropped by either by coincidental or intentional. Its a whole new world out there. Well, there goes my first part time job. Till then, xx.

Summer Holiday 2017: Hong Kong

4 months ago, Cathay Pacific held major promotion on its flight to Hong Kong for lowest fare at 650 MYR. In the encumbrance and perpetual A2 stress, I decided to buy myself a return ticket to HK even though I have been there twice. I decided to travel immediately a day after the A2 massacre; thinking I could free my mind from all the emotional and mental stress that I have endured during the past 1.5 years. I was really excited to travel. Well, I spoke too soon- It was definitely a huge rush for me to travel immediately because I didn't have sufficient time to research and plan on my itinerary. I was wrong thinking of doing all these travel plans at the very last minute. Needless to say, I was immensely and eternally blessed and gratified of having to travel and foster under my dearest cousin.

KLIA DEPARTURE: 

HONG KONG DAY 1

Arrived in Hong Kong International Airport - Boy, look at the crowd. 

My cousin picked me up from the airport and we took Express Airport Terminal back to her home in 45 minutes. So convenient with their public transport.

Arrived in Sau Kei Wan Station! It was sweltering hot 🔥

First Meal in Hong Kong. Ah the taste of grandma's home made dish 😋

The view from my cousin's place. Serenely beautiful. 

The

In the evening, we went for a walk around her condo. So breathtaking. I was eternally grateful to be here. Being able to witness and experience Hong Kong in a less hustle city lifestyle is what truly appreciates. 

Hong Kong Day 2: 

Both my cousin and I are relatively athletic and adventurous girls so we opted for a hike at Dragon's Back. Let me just say- HOW EASY AND EFFORTLESS WAS THAT HIKE. Despite that, we were still greeted with a pananorma of beauty and tranquility. In the midsf of hustle and bustle of the city in Hong Kong, Mother Nature still stretches its charm.

I took this photo when I was basking on the rocks at the top of the mountain. I screamed on top of my lungs: joy, sorrow, misery, pain, they were all audibly dispensing to this vast land. The view was so magnificent and at one point I thought I was on cloud nine.

Hong Kong Day 3: 

This was the day where I finally got to meet my cousin's pretty Japanese friend, Rei. Hey Rei, if you're reading this just to let you know that you've been an amazing friend to hang out with and I hope to see you soon!

The iconic Victoria's Harbour

We were trying to figure out what pose should we do for that camera 😂

Mong Kok street

// I experienced my very first typhoon in my life and I was strangely beyond excited. Everyone was dreading over its monstrous lash on the ground but your girl here was beaming broadly throughout the typhoon. There was a wave of ferocious gale slapping against my face and my hair was blown all over my face. My cousin and I were being rebellious; not heeding the security guards' warnings about venturing outside: As I struggle to trudge my way out to the gym, the gale was extremely at its call and I could literally feel like I was being able to blow away. It was a massive gale and what a night man. I was glad that we got to stay cosy at my cousin's place while my uncle cooked some scrumptiously warm meal to fuel us up. 

Hong Kong Day 4: Stanley Beach

As the pictures display, despite white and fluffy clouds hanging on the sky, the sun was still scorching ablaze my skin. Yes, your girl is obsessed with summer apparels but is afraid of the sun. The beach is nothing spectacular and the sand is coarse. Despite that, my cousin and I still had a blast 😉 

We headed over to a exorbitantly expensive restaurant for lunch in Stanley. I ordered steamed pumpkin quinoa with chopped cilantro and cranberries for a gist of health. HA

For tea time, my cousin and I took the bus from Stanley Beach to Central to travel as a typical Hong Kong citizen by having our tea time at this dingy stall for its famous pork chop bun. Well as you can tell from the picture, it doesn't look appetising at all. In fact, it was just a sad little poek chop bun. Sigh, we wasted 70HKD for that fallacy. 

Here we have my cutie pie Tricia! Ain't she cute ❤️; my cousin then took us another treat of ice cream to make up the strain and wreckage we just sustained back in that dingy pathetic restaurant. As you can tell from our ecstatic facial expression, everyone was beaming at the camera because the ice cream was absolutely delicious. It was like a party in my tongue! All the flavour were well balanced and thus happiness radiated undoubtedly. 

Hong Kong Day 5: Ocean Park

One of my favourite theme park with one my most of VIP I've ever needed. 

Hong Kong Day 6: Food Haven

I didn't do much on Day 6 except shopping for souvenirs so the title was used as a section where I lay out all the foods I've had and taken photos of in Hong Kong. Dim sums, bubble tea, Wanton mee, pork chop buns are Hong Kong's delights. Without a doubt, I had to try them before I left. Here we have a gallery of Kah Mun gobbling and swooning over Hong Kong's gastronomy 😛

This was the Typhoon night where my uncle made us warm and cosy dinner 😛

Wanton Mee @ Chee Kei in Causeway Bay

This egg waffle was definitely one of the best I've ever had and thank you Rei for the recommendation! 

My greatest grin that broadened my mouth when my eyes were feasted upon dishes upon dishes of scrumptious dim sum 😋 

What a feast!

Hong Kong Day 7: Last Day 

This was my last day in Hong Kong. It was as though a ton of dead weight being landed on my feet, I couldn't move nor trudge my way: this is already my third time visiting this piece of modernity. Each time I came, it left me with different feeling. This time, I felt extremely calm and serene, as I was being shunted away from the hustle and bustle of the city, the blaring sound of honks from the crossed vehicle drivers, the sardine-packed crowd at the MTR station, the gaggle and babble of living. Most importantly, this time, I learnt to appreciate and love what I have in the present: I've met 3 incredible friends of my cousin and we laughed and hanged around as though we have met for year. This has made me realised that I am living in the present, not the past nor future. The present is what it is. Thank you Hong Kong, for everything. I'll come back to you soon. Till then. 

Vacancy

''Tis the land I trod, no pavement nor valley

''Tis the sky I gaze, no clouds nor birds

''Tis the nature I brace, no tress nor follies 

I stand amid the garrulous waves of despair that stir, 

Splashing, pounding and hammering, 

With a feign of smile blinding through the cracks, 

And a heart that is shattered through the clanks, 

Vexed and debated:-

That no one seems to grasp. -Kahmun 2017

This is the poem that I wrote to my lecturer on his birthday that my classmates agreed on. It is a melancholic poem and it's ironic given it is my lecturer's big day. It has nothing to do with him as a matter of fact. However, I remembered distinctively how I garnered my thoughts and conveyed my obdurate to this despair:

I just landed from Hong Kong. Boarded the bus as I was rushing for Sir's birthday dinner. My curiosity and nosiness were what really pierced through my gut to check on you on social media. My eyes were treated upon murk that I've always avoided. Then, My tears were instantly rolling down my cheeks, the saltiness of those pearls fed my lips. I thought I had already moved on but guess what I was just another vulnerable and broken hearted girl. I was blanched in a saturnine mood. My heart literally pounded upon dead weights and metaphorically chocked in a cry of wreckage. With that image on my mind coupled with the gloomy weather, that poem written in ken of shatter.

ANYHOW, PEOPLE, IM POSTING THIS TODAY BECAUSE THIS IS AN AWESOME POEM TO BE FEATURED IN ANY OF YOU BROKEN HEARTED PEOPLE OUT THERE. I hesitated for a while contemplating to whether or publish this poem because it seems sensitive to me but hey its been 6 months now and I've recuperated because Paolo Coelho once says "Life will be a party for you, a grand festival, because life is the moment we're living right now." There's no point crying over spilt milk, life goes on and the earth still rotates no matter what. I'm completely content with my life now, and i am beyond excited with what life offers because "I am an adventurer, looking for treasure." :)

/oh shit, there's an unintended pun/ 

Soar high

'You're an intelligent girl, excelling academically shouldn't be an obstacle to you.'

'You're not a slow learner.'

'You're strong, beautiful and fearless. Who are you? You're Chan Kah Mun, the adamant, confident 

and preserved girl. Heartbreaks don't crush you, YOU crush them.'

'You're deserved to be loved and You're worthy of love.'

'Don't feel sympathetic to the guy who leaves you.'

'You're beautiful.'

'Kahmun in whatever desires to be loved.'

'You shouldn't hold onto someone who has already let you go'

'You will learn to overcome your insecurities to find someone who not only loves being with you, but someone who loves every detail that is you.'

'There is 7 billion people of population in this world, you're only residing in a tiny part of this world-Malaysia. The world offers a huge deal and it awaits you to explore. Don't let this one heartbreak changes your perception and all the hidden gems on earth.'

'You're young and heartbreaks are just part of your journey. Kahmun, you're growing up.'

Thanks guys. For believing in me.

Let go

The times and moments we shared were incredibly astonishing and magical. I remembered the first time we met: you were making fun of my odd accent during camp. Somehow a lightning bolt strike and sparks were ignited when that happened. There were 3 guys in our group and you somehow caught my attention. Never had I ever felt this tinge of infatuation to a guy before. It was surreal. Last 3 days of spending time with you in camp was painfully enjoyable. It is oxymoronic because the activity was strenuous especially the last days here we had to wreck our brain cells to play that game; it was also enjoyable we got to spend time together and you may not know this but I purposely pulled myself closer to you during the game and I felt butterflies when we had skin ship. You don't have the most captivating looks but your personality was what really enchanted me. When we were about to leave, I tried to ask you going back home with me but then you had other plans and said that you'd send me our photos. Honestly, I was so excited for that. When your name appeared on my screen, I felt like a little girl getting her slab of chocolate after earning my grades. We started talking more and more and idk where did I muster my courage asking you out for a movie. KLCC. I'll always remember that but I couldn't remember what movie was that HA shit. I remembered we went to Chillis for lunch and boy I was terribly bloated after that gourmet. Not to mention it was an expensive meal! I got tired and you pulled me closer to your clavicle and you may not notice but there was actually a twitch in my smile... It was so surreal...

Fast forward to the day when you asked me to be your girlfriend. Never had I dreamt of being asked by you. Hence the extremely odd reply to your proposal as I wasn't expecting any reciprocal. During the times when we hung out, I never expected a guy like you would fall in love with a girl like me. I thought I was no match for anyone due to my dynamic personality. Yet, you came along and proved to me that I deserved to be loved with all your heart. We felt head over heels for each other. Our friends couldn't stop making fun of us. We glued ourselves together and were so attached to once another. 

April 2016 was an eventful month. We celebrated our first month anniversary by buying me a mini Haagen Daas vanilla/matcha (can't remember which) ice cream and I was on top of the world. We went on your very first try on ice skating. Then we also went to DPC and Mont Kiara for a Korean cuisine dinner. Then it was also my very first time trying Franco and the pancakes were delectable. It was also the month when you were hospitalised. At that moment, my mind was playing jokes with me as I thought it was just another sick joke that you played on. When my mum doubted my anxiety, it struck me that the fact you were hospitalised. My dad volunteered to drop by the hospital just to check you were alright. At that moment, I thought you were going to die and I was helpless in doing so. Anxiety and apprehension were rushing in my adrenaline gush and my heart couldn't stop racing on the way to the hospital. There you were lying on your bed, so weak yet so peaceful. At that moment, I knew I was in love, and I believe you were too. 

We went out for more and more dates, adventures and road trips. All these vividly painted a more realistic picture of us staying together as one. I had so many dreams about you and me, happy ending's all I knew. I had even pictured us taking our graduation photo together with you princess carrying me and collecting our results together, I thought we could travel up north for a short break in Penang as we could crash into your aunt's place. I thought I could sing more songs in the car to Taylor Swift to you. I thought we could snuggle frequently in my room whenever you feel tired after a long drive. I thought I could cook you a proper dinner as I always never fancy the idea of dining out. I thought you could serenade your guitar even though you have a raspy harsh tone. I thought I could receive more flowers as the years followed. I thought we could celebrate more years of Christmas. I thought we could even travel to HK together to strengthen our bond. 

Alas, all good things must come to an end. Happiness is just another fleeting shooting star. Bliss is transience. Up till now I still have no idea how or why you'd fall out of love in me. I tried searching for answers but I give up. I have to. It doesn't matter anymore. The girl whom you're holding hands and laughing gleefully now, yeah that's the reality. I need to snap out of it. I need to let go of the things I couldn't hold on to anymore. It's draining me emotionally day by day. It's funny and entertaining to you but it's wrecking me internally. Congratulations then. You two have won the grand prize. I just hope that you two just don't bother me and flaunt off your perfect relationship. Go do all the activites that you've never done with me and hope you've found the missing piece in me. Have fun. Ciao.

Epilogue:

You'll always be a favourite chapter in my life. 2016 will always be a memorable year.  One day when I reread this chapter, it will not be so painful anymore. Sometimes I hate you for contributing so much that it's surmountable for me to erase them, but I'm still thankful for all these beautiful memories that we made in the past 11 months. Thank you so much for coming into my life. I hope that I've made a huge impact in your life just like you do too in me. You've played a huge part of my life in 2016 but well happiness doesn't last long.

 You're figuratively dead to me now. Goodbye past. 

Valentine's day

This is definitely a long overdue post as I have been pondering over to put this in an excerpt. After 2 months of recuperation, I've finally mustered my gut and ready to talk about this beautifully tragic day about this boy and this girl.

The day started off ordinarily: going to class and studying for A2. The boy and the girl haven't been communicating excessively for a few days. Surprise no surprise, she got miffed and almost cancelled the date. Attention feeds her.

She actually had tuition on that day. The 2 students in the tuition have their own respective partners to celebrate Valentine's Day with. That day, she had a full makeup on and her contact lenses was irritating her eyes. She tried so hard to concentrate. When class was over, she had to drive to Kepong from BU. I know, on Valentine's Day?! But she's neutral with the idea because the boy has been taking her out since day 1. It was time for a little change.

Seeing her boy dressed suavely in a casual smart tee was what she had been picturing on the way to his comfort. In reality, he just woke up from his nap and was still in his ugly but cute tee shirt and shorts. She has always loved seeing him in his comfy Hawaiian shorts. He led her to his room while his hands were pressed against my eyes. She tried not to get suspicious but she knew something was up. She just didn't know what.

After half an hour, he stormed into his room and presented the most beautiful bouquet of flowers in front of her eyes. She was infinitely rejoiced and overwhelmed. That was the first ever bouquet of flowers she had ever received. Some roses had bloomed whereas some were still in their shut eye. She planted a kiss on the boy's lips and uttered 'I love you'.

They then went for a romantic dinner at Italiannese. The atmosphere was romantically and endearingly dim and it was a night for all the couples out there. Be it the young, same sex or the old ones. The dinner was spectacular and the girl wouldn't want this night to end. She was grinning the whole night as she contemplated over how lucky she was having him as her partner. She longed, expected and demanded for more. She pictured spending more years of Valentine's Day with him.

Alas, it didn't turn out the way she wanted. Everything ended in a blink of an eye. Those last moments that they spent in her car were blood, sweat and tears. She begged for him to stay and continue loving her. She begged for a change. She begged for a restart. Unfortunately, the boy insisted and was adamant about his decision. Tears were incessantly rolling down her cheeks as pangs of heartbreak were audible now. They held and shared one last kiss together and she drove off while watching him turning his back against her. 

Alone in the car while Air Supply's "All Out Love" was synchronized (Geez, what a great song at the right time huh). The tears were just like those rebellious teens, fighting and rolling around her eyes. She couldn't fight back the tears and they poured down like a downfall. Thank god she had her waterproof mascara on. And then she went home and kept staring at those beautiful roses that he bestowed.

Here is the Valentine's Day story about a boy and a girl whom the latter thought she would spend her the rest of the upcoming days with. Alas, the love potion ran out and it is time to revert back to reality. However, it was still a memorable day. 

A beautifully tragic day. 

To you

It's been more than a month since the relationship ended. I had my utmost devastation for the past 2 weeks after breaking up. I couldn't have a proper appetite to be appeased; nor a well rest shut eye. You used to come and visit in my dreams, and every night I woke up feeling angst and anxious. 2 weeks after breaking up, I was completely morose and forlorn. People have been noticing a change in my body mass as much weight has been shed. The dark circles underneath my ears have gotten a few shades darker and I felt vapid as if I've lost part of my soul. I bawled occasionally and even googled remedies on how to get him back. How stupid was i you must be thinking. Haha. Imploring, crying and whining for his comeback etc. I've done all those. For those who are going through a heartbreak, it is completely normal to behave in such a way. It's the most natural thing to do when someone whom you've loved left you. Life is never a bed of roses, and tell yourself that it is a free permit to react absurdly.

What's the powerful thing on earth? I'd say time. All those depression, devastations, disappointments and discomfit that you might encounter them. Instead of curbing them, let loose of them. Let time do its magic. I wouldn't lie that it's going to be hard for me to move on.

 It's a 11month+ of beautiful memories, no fights, no bickering and no resentment. Just love and passion that we once shared. Of course it's hard, but I'm getting better day by day. Thank you so much for these beautiful and joyful memories. Thank you for treating me like a phoenix back then. Thank you for all the spontaneous trips from Malacca to Taiping to Kampar and to Penang. Thank you for always tolerating my nasty behaviour. Thank you for always waiting for my class to end and taking the train together back home.We fell head over heels for each other and this was also my very first time that I've ever truly madly and deeply in love in someone else. It feels like I've known you since forever. Your caress, your twitch, your hair, your pimples, your birthmark are so distinctive in my eye. Your smell always permeates homely masculinity in my vicinity. Your voice, yes the raspy yet dreamy voice of yours was what that really enchanted me during our first encounter. It really stings me that our story has ended but i have no regrets because we have made it our best and maybe we are not meant for each other. If you are reading this i'm pretty sure you'd be there holding another girl's hands and enjoying each other's company. I wish that you'd find your purpose and maybe just maybe you'll settle down even earlier than i do. Please remember to invite me to your wedding! 2016 will always be my favourite year and I'm so glad that you were the one I got to share my journey in a level at MCKL with you. You'll always be my favourite chapter in the book of my life. Though We may not be able finish this path together I wish the both of us the best of luck in future. We may not share that special bond anymore but I'll always have your back. For now, individuality is what matters to me. Focus on yourself and fruitfulness will just bear. 

Fearless

For the past 3 weeks I had been submerged and enshrouded in the sea of depression. No kidding. Sometimes I can be on top of the world, sometimes I can be dragged down to the dumps. It's terrifying and draining me emotionally. I've lost couple inches of busts that my mum noticed. I have always been eating but not as big portion as I used to. I wasn't being myself for the past 3 weeks, as if she had been summoned to the underworld.

Fortunately I've been reaching out my friends. Some gave me remarkably positive and rational advice whereas some gave me cynical and condescending advice. Either way, it's my choice to whether adhere to them. I want to immensely and gingerly thank Cheryl, for she was the one who had seen my utmost devastation, comforting me, caring for me even though we've only each other for a year and 3 months. And also my cousin, Tze Wei. Thank you for picking up the phone whenever I'm not on my right track and your endless rational take on depression and relationships. Thank you for giving me your space in HK. Lastly, Liven. I don't know how to put this but thank you for allowing me to barge into your house and the vacancy to pour my soul and emotions out until late 12 midnight.
I've been undergoing 'rehabilitation' for my state. I have been surrounding myself with friends and confiding college friends whom I'm not even close with. Thank you Elia and Anchita. Ugh it was so embarrassing but thank you for lending me your shoulders. And you guys are the wisest though being younger at my age.

I was at my utmost downfall for the past 3 weeks. People often perceive me as the bubbly, carefree and strong girl who doesn't bother any obstacles ahead. Yes, I AM that kind of person. I am always laid back during the exams and genial to all criticisms. For the past 3 weeks, I've realised that even the strongest person will have their meltdown point. When that happens, they'll either go resilient or lash them out.

 However, I firmly believe in myself that all these are just temporary. That it's okay to let it all out for the time being. When everything's all resolved, you'll feel a flush of relief.The badass, studios(not exactly), carefree, bubbly Kahmun is somewhere buried deep down inside. I'll have to find a way to dig her out from this sea of depression. She's been trying to swim back up shore, but she'll be back. She's witty, genial and last but not least she's fearless. Wait for her comeback. X

Writing's on the wall

I was so engrossed to this song hence some thoughts swirled through my mind and boy Sam smith has a knack of disclosing one's emotion especially at 12.17am. 

My fear of losing has been burgeoning since 2 years ago, it's becoming more palpable as the years wear on. Just as you think 'my fear of losing' is deemed academically then you're wrong. I don't really care about academics anymore because I believe that God has rendered some special gift that I've yet to unravel and it's certainly not academic excellence. Many people see me as a well performed student, ironically I'm not. It has been a sheer luck of mine wending through the top class for 7 years of primary and secondary education. When I turned 16, I realised that my academic performance has been going downhill and I had  strived to climb back up, ironically it didn't turn out to be what I had expected. Here comes a level, once again I've slumped. In short, I'm done with academic excellence : at the end of the day, results don't necessarily matter. 

My fear of losing is people. I've lost (figuratively) people throughout my life, it was a huge slap on my back. I broke down and even self proclaimed being encumbered into depression (which I'm not). Again and again I've tried to reform and I was so relieved and gratified that high school ended. High school was kind tough because even the slightest personality flaw would have gotten one to be thrown down to the fire pits of hell : friendless, defamation and destructive criticism. This was what my school labelled everyone as. It was absolutely ludicrous but fortunately I made it through with the aid of some of my friends. Friends whom I've never thought of befriending, friends whom I've never thought of bonding with, friends whom I've never thought of pelting with profanities. That's where I've become more vulnerable in trying so hard to keep them with me that eventually crippling me. 

It's depriving my soul and I've becoming really vertiginous because I've tried so hard to latch on to someone. When things don't revolve the way I want, I brawl, scream, replete my social media with the nastiest taboos, defaming both parties. A monster within me is unleashed just like what happened back in 2014 where i let my inner hulk to consume me, thus all the resentments. When things go wrong( things I've planned), I blame the other party from one's personality, history and even friends. It was reproachful even as I'm writing it. However, I don't feel a single repentance of what I've pelted against them because in my mind they're wrong, they're the ones who take away from the things I love, they should pay (of course with the power of words not arsenals). All of the sudden, a demon is summoned and all those taboos are conjured. Horrifyingly, I don't feel a single remorse nor repentance, because what's mine is mine.

The fear of losing people that I've loved is surreal to me that I manipulate the situation in order to make them stay. You can say I'm selfish, prodigious jealousy or even a bitch but I'm just securing what belongs to me. I execute all types of strategies and try to secure them but sadly some people don't reciprocate. Hence I've gotten so upset I'm here writing this. 

Congratulations for making to the end of this post and that you don't scamper after reading my real and darker side of mine. What I'm saying above is true and all this while new people whom I've associated with have no idea of this but now if any of you do, here you go my true personality. :) 

Me before you

Dislcaimer: This title is particularly extracted from the novel based adaption of Me before you by Jojo Meyes.

This post is not about my review of the movie but primarily my own meaning behind this phrase. This drilled into my mind when I was waiting for my train.

When there was me before you, I was quite miserable yet ecstatic. ( spot the antithesis aye)

When there was me before you, I was frequently dallying. (Pretty sure you were one too, though you are still one now too!)

When there was me before you, the F word was soliloquized so often that it had imprinted in my personal dictionary.

When there was me before you, I was just a girl who being labeled as 'attention seeker' (foul much?!)

When there was me before you, I was constantly bottling my feelings and thoughts tightly.

When there was me before you, I was really bubbly.

When there was me before you, I constantly engrossed myself in books.

When there was me before you, I have always hated cats.

When there was me before you, I was always alone taking the train.

When there was me before you, I never had spontaneous road trips.

When there was me before you, I've always hated the idea of kissing.

When there was me before you, I was really cranky.

When there was me before you, I hardly went for movies.

When there was me before you, my life was just really ordinary.

When there was me before you, I've always thought I'm alone and trapped in my own world that nobody would even bother to step in.

I always have the knack of translating my feelings into words ;)

Till next time 

Blessed 18

I've always hated my birthday due to the fact that major exams always fall on my birthday which is also the end of the month May especially last year's. Oh god, I really resented my birthday because I had to sit add maths paper on that special day *cringes extensively with a grimace smile* Familiar resentment of birthday gushes and tedious thoughts swirling and whirling as I heaved a sigh at my birthday. Two things were harbored in my mind : Exams in a week and nobody cares about my birthday.

my bf wished me the day before my actual date no bewilderment. The next day, it was just another tedious day in college. Taking the same old train to college, going to the same old classes. Everything was just either dull or I was just being nonchalant. I couldn't possibly tell.

Then, let the surprise commenced.

College friends aka The Cactus Squad :
I initially thought that you guys didn't even bother about my birthday damn! The cold shoulders that you guys had been giving me, it really did strike my nerves. I was really surprised when you guys bought not only one but TWO slices of cake from Secret Recipe (though I know the fact that you guys just simply savoured the cake) If anyone of you is reading this, THANK YOU SO MUCH. I truly appreciate the lovely surprise.

Here comes the rhetheorical question you all have been waiting for : what exactly did my bf do on my birthday?

First off, he sent me a fairly long message to me on whatsapp which he could have written longer HAHA. We went to a local Chinese restaurant at Pasar Seni for a simple birthday lunch. While we were waiting for the LRT, there was an odd tingling sensation disturbed me and i was pestering 'what are you doing to my neck?' After all the hassle, a golden embellished with diamond and tassle swung onto my neck. I was tremenduosly overwhelmed. It's like an enact from HSM 1 where Troy put on a letter 'T' necklace around Gabriella's neck! Okay now the lunch may seem casual and nothing special but hey what's important is the truth behind the lunch treat. Then we had Cendol cause I was craving something sweet. And theennn, when we got back. He initially bluffed me that I had to finish up all of the chocolates in the Sticky paperbag in order to open what's laid underneath it. However when I got my hands to the Disneyland tin, I tried to open it clumsily and eventually a plastic was covered in the grey clothing material caught my eye. I took it out and it was a sportsbra not just any sportsbra but a Nike! Oh god, I've been eying it for so long and I didn't expect it to be in my hands let alone someone you love who enlightened to buy it for you. I was completely stunned at the sportsbra and told myself that in return I must really appreciate.

Here comes the third surprise:

It was just another tedious Saturday morning where I was just doing my revision, all of the sudden a loud cry of my name came outside of my house. I gawped and saw Yinfun outside of my house and a tiny Kancil parked literally in front of my gate : Saow ching clad in her Chinese society t-shirt. To my surprise, Yinfun and I matched in our 4sc1 jersey. Coincidence much? I was shocked that they came to my house and asked me out for a cup of coffee plus acting as a compensation for celebrating my birthday. We went to our first coffee shop: Wood &Steel @ Encorp. I really enjoy the architecture and ambience of this shop. It emits an authentic and classy essence of relaxation and boy I find that Malay barrister adorable HAHA. We had a tremendous catch up session to the extent of moving forward to our next stop: Rebellion Cafe. I absolutely love the nutella brownie top with vanilla ice cream. The hotness and coldness of this birthday brownie was definitely a party to my taste buds. I loved the brownie so much that I ended up devouring every bits of this delicacy. I was really overwhelmed at what these two have done. I never expected this and it happened on my 18th birthday. I've said this a zillion times but thank you so much. 

5th and last surprise:

Liven dropped by my house unexpectedly. Well she did at around 1 but I wasn't home so she came again at 7. It was quite embarrassing cause I was only on my sports bra and sports shorts but I went out to get my present. But well I'm utterly glad :) this proves that distance doesn't defeat friendship
That wraps up my 18th birthday. You may notice that I didn't include my family because they still owe me a celebration!! Nonetheless, I had a really blessed birthday. Thank you to each and everyone of you be it families, friends from high school or college, acquaintances etc. That's all for now. If you all have made it to the end, bless you x.

Love always, km.

Life updates #2

January:

As much as everyone concerns, yes I have already enrolled to college. I've started my new life chapter at MCKL in January. It was really daunting foreseeing my future here. My dad made the decision for me. I was really reluctant to study here because of the perennial anxiety of missing the 7.07am train, the lonesome when your good friend in college absents and also the pangs of hunger during class! As time wears on, I find myself adapting to the changes of my vicinity.

Presently, I'm gladly commenting that I like studying in MCKL. The environment is just perfect to study. I can really focus on my studies even if it's at the cafeteria with the clamorous and giggles. Surprised isn't it? January has been the month of where my next stage of my life begins. It is the start of something new. I get questions like 'so how do you make friends?' 'How do you approach people?' First of all, making friends in college is the easiest thing to do. Just smile and be sociable. You won't be a lone wolf in college. I don't get why some people just fret over the perception of making new friends is horrifying. Trust me people, perusing A levels syllables is far tougher than making new friends.

All of the high school girl friends celebrated nigga's birthday at her house on 16th Jan. It was a chatty, rhapsody session catching up with them.  On a side note I've been taking up my driver's license practice. On the 23rd the students were OBLIGED to head up to Bentong for an hour just for the sake of adhering to the lecture for KPP2. I was so wearied and frustrated but thankfully I made some friends there.

31/1/16:
Due to the fact that I'm studying in MCKL aka a Christian-based college, every students in the college is obliged to complete a community service for 20 hours. Initially I wanted to volunteer in a pet society shelter. My mum objected this proposal of mine for I have a go against animals (geez) Therefore I opt for athletic volunteer community called Care 2 Run. I joined there ALONE cause my friends seen athletic (as always). It was definitely an awesome opportunity as I got paired up with a 7 year old Indian girl. She was really awkward but thank god I managed to open up her heart at the end of the session. Even though this will not be completed in 20 hours at least I really celebrate volunteerism and sportsmanship.

A feedback session after we carried out he activity.

February

1/2/16:
Since I'm still in a 8 weekof  bridging course, the college has therefore implemented a subject called 'Character Formation' where the lecturer discusses and guides us with the 8 core values of this college. In conjunction of the 8 core values, all of the 1601 cohorts have to carry out an activity that is way out of our comfort zone. My group consists of 7 members (3 guys) went for zorbing. It's practically a giant human size hamster ball outdoor activity. We had the underwater which was the worst as we were suffocating in a partially vacuum ball. Then it was the bumping zorbing session. Guys were aggressive and girls were very slow and boring HAHA. All of my friends fell except for me look at how stable of my centre of gravity is! (grins broadly) Finally, we went for the one uphill where we where literally pushed down the hill being tied up in the ball. I was paired up with Jack. I was screaming intensely when we were pushed up, after a while, I got subtle and he was perplexed that I might have fainted. 'Are you ok, Kahmun?' HAHAHA. When we reached the ground, my head was spinning and I felt revolting lol. Great experience but I would not spend 120MYR on these three activities.

Russell (the guy on the right) who kept a distance away from Amanda to avoid any misunderstandings or controversiol acts between his girlfriend lol.

"Do the Drake!"
"LOL"

4/2/16:
I went to court as an a level law student. I was really excited but I held my expectations way too high and eventually it was another tedious visit ;) the voice of the judge was monotonous and they had the trial in BM. Everyone was bored and even my lecturer dozed off. The lawyers in the court are rather snobbish and grim yikes so not into being a barristers anymore. Yet, I'm still going to do law for degree.

21/2/16:

Fast forward to Orientation Camp. I was really excited a month before camp but a few days before camp I got really slothful and sluggish geez. My theme was about Musicians and I was in Team Miley Cyrus (lol). Everyone was so awkward but mu leader (winks) *sheepishly evades the whole content* I had tremendous fun on the first night cause it involved team work. On the 2nd day, lord we had the entire day of lecture about SEX. Well I like being exposed with sex edu but not the entire afternoon. On the last day, it was a game involving  PHYSICAL CONTACT, now that's something we don't get in lousy smk brp. Basically boys and girls they have to be physically attached throughout the entire game. Each of the team had to cross to the opposite without being separated. Everyone was pissed off as the game was being carried out under the hot sun. Fortunately, my leader was really smart on picking the spot therefore for the one hour plus we were all under the shade ^^ eventually we did cross to the other side we were ecstatic but the other groups were not HAHA. Overall, it was a so-so camp. I would have loved the camp if more team activities were involved.

The girls 

Team Cyrus!

-To Be Continued- 

Life updates

1. I went to Bali in December. Feel free to click here to enjoy some of the exclusive views and amazing experiences in Bali.

2. I've been reading quite a few books. Been trying to brush up my English to get myself a smoothly pathway in college.

3. I've finally taken up driver's license lesson and just passed my computer test.

4. I went countdown with my friend (nigga) at a bistro. It was quite an astonishing and gawping experience.

5. My friends came to my house and we baked. It was disastrous lmao. Nonetheless, we got to catch up and had fun.

6. My long lost friend dropped by my house and we had a few talks. Get to catch up with each other after 1009000 years.

7. I got to catch up with my childhood friend as well. We bonded strongly ever since the holidays.

8. I got offered to 2 jobs in 1u : Asics and Nike. Due to college, I had to turn the two jobs now even though I got offered very high income. (1800 MYR per month. With commission, I may earn up to 3000 a month! How lucrative is that!)

9. Yup, I'm in college now. I'll write about my life in college on my next post.

10. everyday I'm so gratified and pleased that I get to live on earth. Amen to that.

Extras: first day of lecture commences. Anxious yet excited at the same time...

Appreaciation & Love

Before 2015 ends, I would like to pay the utmost gratitude, appreciation and love to each and everyone in this year. I've changed massively this year. I wasn't the Kah Mun everyone has known in the past few years. I have rather grown and matured thanks to the hindrance and lessons that have stumbled upon me. People from my past always tell me that 'girl, I know you so well, stop doing that, you'll get hated.' Well, guess what, I am what I am. I like being who I am. Just because you know me in 2012 doesn't mean you will know me in depth in 2015. Time evolves people. That's what human evolution occurs. In 2015, I've done a few of achievements in my New Year's Resolutions. I am so ecstatic to say so. I have done my part as a prom committee in The Yule Ball and even ventured myself to organise a Free Hugs Day in April. Hereby a special gratification to Saow Ching for making them happened. It had been a pleasure doing all these with you.

Even though 2015 has been a rocky and tough year for me, I have learnt tremendously. I've learnt that one should never rely on others. If one is determined to achieve the goals, one has to step out of their comfort zone and be the last man standing. In order to seek true happiness, I've also learnt that one should never reform yourself just to feel accepted and belonged in a group. I've received hatred and resentment because of my personality. Believe me I was devastated and despondent. There were days where I purposely kept myself absent from school as I was paranoid by the glares and the criticism. I have been consorted with a few of friends and there was suddenly a glow in my life that someone really does accept me and really want to spend time with me. It's not about how long you two meet it's about the dedication and constance that one has. In 2015 I've got to be myself and to not listen to the criticism I mean I do listen but if the cap fits, wear it.

Lastly, I just want to feel blessed to being in such a divine family.

Wishing everyone ushering the year of 2016 with pink health and prosperity ahead. X