Fearless

For the past 3 weeks I had been submerged and enshrouded in the sea of depression. No kidding. Sometimes I can be on top of the world, sometimes I can be dragged down to the dumps. It's terrifying and draining me emotionally. I've lost couple inches of busts that my mum noticed. I have always been eating but not as big portion as I used to. I wasn't being myself for the past 3 weeks, as if she had been summoned to the underworld.

Fortunately I've been reaching out my friends. Some gave me remarkably positive and rational advice whereas some gave me cynical and condescending advice. Either way, it's my choice to whether adhere to them. I want to immensely and gingerly thank Cheryl, for she was the one who had seen my utmost devastation, comforting me, caring for me even though we've only each other for a year and 3 months. And also my cousin, Tze Wei. Thank you for picking up the phone whenever I'm not on my right track and your endless rational take on depression and relationships. Thank you for giving me your space in HK. Lastly, Liven. I don't know how to put this but thank you for allowing me to barge into your house and the vacancy to pour my soul and emotions out until late 12 midnight.
I've been undergoing 'rehabilitation' for my state. I have been surrounding myself with friends and confiding college friends whom I'm not even close with. Thank you Elia and Anchita. Ugh it was so embarrassing but thank you for lending me your shoulders. And you guys are the wisest though being younger at my age.

I was at my utmost downfall for the past 3 weeks. People often perceive me as the bubbly, carefree and strong girl who doesn't bother any obstacles ahead. Yes, I AM that kind of person. I am always laid back during the exams and genial to all criticisms. For the past 3 weeks, I've realised that even the strongest person will have their meltdown point. When that happens, they'll either go resilient or lash them out.

 However, I firmly believe in myself that all these are just temporary. That it's okay to let it all out for the time being. When everything's all resolved, you'll feel a flush of relief.The badass, studios(not exactly), carefree, bubbly Kahmun is somewhere buried deep down inside. I'll have to find a way to dig her out from this sea of depression. She's been trying to swim back up shore, but she'll be back. She's witty, genial and last but not least she's fearless. Wait for her comeback. X

Writing's on the wall

I was so engrossed to this song hence some thoughts swirled through my mind and boy Sam smith has a knack of disclosing one's emotion especially at 12.17am. 

My fear of losing has been burgeoning since 2 years ago, it's becoming more palpable as the years wear on. Just as you think 'my fear of losing' is deemed academically then you're wrong. I don't really care about academics anymore because I believe that God has rendered some special gift that I've yet to unravel and it's certainly not academic excellence. Many people see me as a well performed student, ironically I'm not. It has been a sheer luck of mine wending through the top class for 7 years of primary and secondary education. When I turned 16, I realised that my academic performance has been going downhill and I had  strived to climb back up, ironically it didn't turn out to be what I had expected. Here comes a level, once again I've slumped. In short, I'm done with academic excellence : at the end of the day, results don't necessarily matter. 

My fear of losing is people. I've lost (figuratively) people throughout my life, it was a huge slap on my back. I broke down and even self proclaimed being encumbered into depression (which I'm not). Again and again I've tried to reform and I was so relieved and gratified that high school ended. High school was kind tough because even the slightest personality flaw would have gotten one to be thrown down to the fire pits of hell : friendless, defamation and destructive criticism. This was what my school labelled everyone as. It was absolutely ludicrous but fortunately I made it through with the aid of some of my friends. Friends whom I've never thought of befriending, friends whom I've never thought of bonding with, friends whom I've never thought of pelting with profanities. That's where I've become more vulnerable in trying so hard to keep them with me that eventually crippling me. 

It's depriving my soul and I've becoming really vertiginous because I've tried so hard to latch on to someone. When things don't revolve the way I want, I brawl, scream, replete my social media with the nastiest taboos, defaming both parties. A monster within me is unleashed just like what happened back in 2014 where i let my inner hulk to consume me, thus all the resentments. When things go wrong( things I've planned), I blame the other party from one's personality, history and even friends. It was reproachful even as I'm writing it. However, I don't feel a single repentance of what I've pelted against them because in my mind they're wrong, they're the ones who take away from the things I love, they should pay (of course with the power of words not arsenals). All of the sudden, a demon is summoned and all those taboos are conjured. Horrifyingly, I don't feel a single remorse nor repentance, because what's mine is mine.

The fear of losing people that I've loved is surreal to me that I manipulate the situation in order to make them stay. You can say I'm selfish, prodigious jealousy or even a bitch but I'm just securing what belongs to me. I execute all types of strategies and try to secure them but sadly some people don't reciprocate. Hence I've gotten so upset I'm here writing this. 

Congratulations for making to the end of this post and that you don't scamper after reading my real and darker side of mine. What I'm saying above is true and all this while new people whom I've associated with have no idea of this but now if any of you do, here you go my true personality. :)