Friday, 5 May 2017

Soar high

'You're an intelligent girl, excelling academically shouldn't be an obstacle to you.'

'You're not a slow learner.'

'You're strong, beautiful and fearless. Who are you? You're Chan Kah Mun, the adamant, confident 
and preserved girl. Heartbreaks don't crush you, YOU crush them.'

'You're deserved to be loved and You're worthy of love.'

'Don't feel sympathetic to the guy who leaves you.'

'You're beautiful.'

'Kahmun in whatever desires to be loved.'

'You shouldn't hold onto someone who has already let you go'

'You will learn to overcome your insecurities to find someone who not only loves being with you, but someone who loves every detail that is you.'

'There is 7 billion people of population in this world, you're only residing in a tiny part of this world-Malaysia. The world offers a huge deal and it awaits you to explore. Don't let this one heartbreak changes your perception and all the hidden gems on earth.'

'You're young and heartbreaks are just part of your journey. Kahmun, you're growing up.'

Thanks guys. For believing in me.

Saturday, 29 April 2017

Let go

The times and moments we shared were incredibly astonishing and magical. I remembered the first time we met: you were making fun of my odd accent during camp. Somehow a lightning bolt strike and sparks were ignited when that happened. There were 3 guys in our group and you somehow caught my attention. Never had I ever felt this tinge of infatuation to a guy before. It was surreal. Last 3 days of spending time with you in camp was painfully enjoyable. It is oxymoronic because the activity was strenuous especially the last days here we had to wreck our brain cells to play that game; it was also enjoyable we got to spend time together and you may not know this but I purposely pulled myself closer to you during the game and I felt butterflies when we had skin ship. You don't have the most captivating looks but your personality was what really enchanted me. When we were about to leave, I tried to ask you going back home with me but then you had other plans and said that you'd send me our photos. Honestly, I was so excited for that. When your name appeared on my screen, I felt like a little girl getting her slab of chocolate after earning my grades. We started talking more and more and idk where did I muster my courage asking you out for a movie. KLCC. I'll always remember that but I couldn't remember what movie was that HA shit. I remembered we went to Chillis for lunch and boy I was terribly bloated after that gourmet. Not to mention it was an expensive meal! I got tired and you pulled me closer to your clavicle and you may not notice but there was actually a twitch in my smile... It was so surreal...

Fast forward to the day when you asked me to be your girlfriend. Never had I dreamt of being asked by you. Hence the extremely odd reply to your proposal as I wasn't expecting any reciprocal. During the times when we hung out, I never expected a guy like you would fall in love with a girl like me. I thought I was no match for anyone due to my dynamic personality. Yet, you came along and proved to me that I deserved to be loved with all your heart. We felt head over heels for each other. Our friends couldn't stop making fun of us. We glued ourselves together and were so attached to once another. 

April 2016 was an eventful month. We celebrated our first month anniversary by buying me a mini Haagen Daas vanilla/matcha (can't remember which) ice cream and I was on top of the world. We went on your very first try on ice skating. Then we also went to DPC and Mont Kiara for a Korean cuisine dinner. Then it was also my very first time trying Franco and the pancakes were delectable. It was also the month when you were hospitalised. At that moment, my mind was playing jokes with me as I thought it was just another sick joke that you played on. When my mum doubted my anxiety, it struck me that the fact you were hospitalised. My dad volunteered to drop by the hospital just to check you were alright. At that moment, I thought you were going to die and I was helpless in doing so. Anxiety and apprehension were rushing in my adrenaline gush and my heart couldn't stop racing on the way to the hospital. There you were lying on your bed, so weak yet so peaceful. At that moment, I knew I was in love, and I believe you were too. 

We went out for more and more dates, adventures and road trips. All these vividly painted a more realistic picture of us staying together as one. I had so many dreams about you and me, happy ending's all I knew. I had even pictured us taking our graduation photo together with you princess carrying me and collecting our results together, I thought we could travel up north for a short break in Penang as we could crash into your aunt's place. I thought I could sing more songs in the car to Taylor Swift to you. I thought we could snuggle frequently in my room whenever you feel tired after a long drive. I thought I could cook you a proper dinner as I always never fancy the idea of dining out. I thought you could serenade your guitar even though you have a raspy harsh tone. I thought I could receive more flowers as the years followed. I thought we could celebrate more years of Christmas. I thought we could even travel to HK together to strengthen our bond. 

Alas, all good things must come to an end. Happiness is just another fleeting shooting star. Bliss is transience. Up till now I still have no idea how or why you'd fall out of love in me. I tried searching for answers but I give up. I have to. It doesn't matter anymore. The girl whom you're holding hands and laughing gleefully now, yeah that's the reality. I need to snap out of it. I need to let go of the things I couldn't hold on to anymore. It's draining me emotionally day by day. It's funny and entertaining to you but it's wrecking me internally. Congratulations then. You two have won the grand prize. I just hope that you two just don't bother me and flaunt off your perfect relationship. Go do all the activites that you've never done with me and hope you've found the missing piece in me. Have fun. Ciao.

You'll always be a favourite chapter in my life. 2016 will always be a memorable year.  One day when I reread this chapter, it will not be so painful anymore. Sometimes I hate you for contributing so much that it's surmountable for me to erase them, but I'm still thankful for all these beautiful memories that we made in the past 11 months. Thank you so much for coming into my life. I hope that I've made a huge impact in your life just like you do too in me. You've played a huge part of my life in 2016 but well happiness doesn't last long.

 You're figuratively dead to me now. Goodbye past.