Writing's on the wall

I was so engrossed to this song hence some thoughts swirled through my mind and boy Sam smith has a knack of disclosing one's emotion especially at 12.17am. 

My fear of losing has been burgeoning since 2 years ago, it's becoming more palpable as the years wear on. Just as you think 'my fear of losing' is deemed academically then you're wrong. I don't really care about academics anymore because I believe that God has rendered some special gift that I've yet to unravel and it's certainly not academic excellence. Many people see me as a well performed student, ironically I'm not. It has been a sheer luck of mine wending through the top class for 7 years of primary and secondary education. When I turned 16, I realised that my academic performance has been going downhill and I had  strived to climb back up, ironically it didn't turn out to be what I had expected. Here comes a level, once again I've slumped. In short, I'm done with academic excellence : at the end of the day, results don't necessarily matter. 

My fear of losing is people. I've lost (figuratively) people throughout my life, it was a huge slap on my back. I broke down and even self proclaimed being encumbered into depression (which I'm not). Again and again I've tried to reform and I was so relieved and gratified that high school ended. High school was kind tough because even the slightest personality flaw would have gotten one to be thrown down to the fire pits of hell : friendless, defamation and destructive criticism. This was what my school labelled everyone as. It was absolutely ludicrous but fortunately I made it through with the aid of some of my friends. Friends whom I've never thought of befriending, friends whom I've never thought of bonding with, friends whom I've never thought of pelting with profanities. That's where I've become more vulnerable in trying so hard to keep them with me that eventually crippling me. 

It's depriving my soul and I've becoming really vertiginous because I've tried so hard to latch on to someone. When things don't revolve the way I want, I brawl, scream, replete my social media with the nastiest taboos, defaming both parties. A monster within me is unleashed just like what happened back in 2014 where i let my inner hulk to consume me, thus all the resentments. When things go wrong( things I've planned), I blame the other party from one's personality, history and even friends. It was reproachful even as I'm writing it. However, I don't feel a single repentance of what I've pelted against them because in my mind they're wrong, they're the ones who take away from the things I love, they should pay (of course with the power of words not arsenals). All of the sudden, a demon is summoned and all those taboos are conjured. Horrifyingly, I don't feel a single remorse nor repentance, because what's mine is mine.

The fear of losing people that I've loved is surreal to me that I manipulate the situation in order to make them stay. You can say I'm selfish, prodigious jealousy or even a bitch but I'm just securing what belongs to me. I execute all types of strategies and try to secure them but sadly some people don't reciprocate. Hence I've gotten so upset I'm here writing this. 

Congratulations for making to the end of this post and that you don't scamper after reading my real and darker side of mine. What I'm saying above is true and all this while new people whom I've associated with have no idea of this but now if any of you do, here you go my true personality. :) 

Me before you

Dislcaimer: This title is particularly extracted from the novel based adaption of Me before you by Jojo Meyes.

This post is not about my review of the movie but primarily my own meaning behind this phrase. This drilled into my mind when I was waiting for my train.

When there was me before you, I was quite miserable yet ecstatic. ( spot the antithesis aye)

When there was me before you, I was frequently dallying. (Pretty sure you were one too, though you are still one now too!)

When there was me before you, the F word was soliloquized so often that it had imprinted in my personal dictionary.

When there was me before you, I was just a girl who being labeled as 'attention seeker' (foul much?!)

When there was me before you, I was constantly bottling my feelings and thoughts tightly.

When there was me before you, I was really bubbly.

When there was me before you, I constantly engrossed myself in books.

When there was me before you, I have always hated cats.

When there was me before you, I was always alone taking the train.

When there was me before you, I never had spontaneous road trips.

When there was me before you, I've always hated the idea of kissing.

When there was me before you, I was really cranky.

When there was me before you, I hardly went for movies.

When there was me before you, my life was just really ordinary.

When there was me before you, I've always thought I'm alone and trapped in my own world that nobody would even bother to step in.

I always have the knack of translating my feelings into words ;)

Till next time 

Blessed 18

I've always hated my birthday due to the fact that major exams always fall on my birthday which is also the end of the month May especially last year's. Oh god, I really resented my birthday because I had to sit add maths paper on that special day *cringes extensively with a grimace smile* Familiar resentment of birthday gushes and tedious thoughts swirling and whirling as I heaved a sigh at my birthday. Two things were harbored in my mind : Exams in a week and nobody cares about my birthday.

my bf wished me the day before my actual date no bewilderment. The next day, it was just another tedious day in college. Taking the same old train to college, going to the same old classes. Everything was just either dull or I was just being nonchalant. I couldn't possibly tell.

Then, let the surprise commenced.

College friends aka The Cactus Squad :
I initially thought that you guys didn't even bother about my birthday damn! The cold shoulders that you guys had been giving me, it really did strike my nerves. I was really surprised when you guys bought not only one but TWO slices of cake from Secret Recipe (though I know the fact that you guys just simply savoured the cake) If anyone of you is reading this, THANK YOU SO MUCH. I truly appreciate the lovely surprise.

Here comes the rhetheorical question you all have been waiting for : what exactly did my bf do on my birthday?

First off, he sent me a fairly long message to me on whatsapp which he could have written longer HAHA. We went to a local Chinese restaurant at Pasar Seni for a simple birthday lunch. While we were waiting for the LRT, there was an odd tingling sensation disturbed me and i was pestering 'what are you doing to my neck?' After all the hassle, a golden embellished with diamond and tassle swung onto my neck. I was tremenduosly overwhelmed. It's like an enact from HSM 1 where Troy put on a letter 'T' necklace around Gabriella's neck! Okay now the lunch may seem casual and nothing special but hey what's important is the truth behind the lunch treat. Then we had Cendol cause I was craving something sweet. And theennn, when we got back. He initially bluffed me that I had to finish up all of the chocolates in the Sticky paperbag in order to open what's laid underneath it. However when I got my hands to the Disneyland tin, I tried to open it clumsily and eventually a plastic was covered in the grey clothing material caught my eye. I took it out and it was a sportsbra not just any sportsbra but a Nike! Oh god, I've been eying it for so long and I didn't expect it to be in my hands let alone someone you love who enlightened to buy it for you. I was completely stunned at the sportsbra and told myself that in return I must really appreciate.

Here comes the third surprise:

It was just another tedious Saturday morning where I was just doing my revision, all of the sudden a loud cry of my name came outside of my house. I gawped and saw Yinfun outside of my house and a tiny Kancil parked literally in front of my gate : Saow ching clad in her Chinese society t-shirt. To my surprise, Yinfun and I matched in our 4sc1 jersey. Coincidence much? I was shocked that they came to my house and asked me out for a cup of coffee plus acting as a compensation for celebrating my birthday. We went to our first coffee shop: Wood &Steel @ Encorp. I really enjoy the architecture and ambience of this shop. It emits an authentic and classy essence of relaxation and boy I find that Malay barrister adorable HAHA. We had a tremendous catch up session to the extent of moving forward to our next stop: Rebellion Cafe. I absolutely love the nutella brownie top with vanilla ice cream. The hotness and coldness of this birthday brownie was definitely a party to my taste buds. I loved the brownie so much that I ended up devouring every bits of this delicacy. I was really overwhelmed at what these two have done. I never expected this and it happened on my 18th birthday. I've said this a zillion times but thank you so much. 

5th and last surprise:

Liven dropped by my house unexpectedly. Well she did at around 1 but I wasn't home so she came again at 7. It was quite embarrassing cause I was only on my sports bra and sports shorts but I went out to get my present. But well I'm utterly glad :) this proves that distance doesn't defeat friendship
That wraps up my 18th birthday. You may notice that I didn't include my family because they still owe me a celebration!! Nonetheless, I had a really blessed birthday. Thank you to each and everyone of you be it families, friends from high school or college, acquaintances etc. That's all for now. If you all have made it to the end, bless you x.

Love always, km.

Life updates #2

January:

As much as everyone concerns, yes I have already enrolled to college. I've started my new life chapter at MCKL in January. It was really daunting foreseeing my future here. My dad made the decision for me. I was really reluctant to study here because of the perennial anxiety of missing the 7.07am train, the lonesome when your good friend in college absents and also the pangs of hunger during class! As time wears on, I find myself adapting to the changes of my vicinity.

Presently, I'm gladly commenting that I like studying in MCKL. The environment is just perfect to study. I can really focus on my studies even if it's at the cafeteria with the clamorous and giggles. Surprised isn't it? January has been the month of where my next stage of my life begins. It is the start of something new. I get questions like 'so how do you make friends?' 'How do you approach people?' First of all, making friends in college is the easiest thing to do. Just smile and be sociable. You won't be a lone wolf in college. I don't get why some people just fret over the perception of making new friends is horrifying. Trust me people, perusing A levels syllables is far tougher than making new friends.

All of the high school girl friends celebrated nigga's birthday at her house on 16th Jan. It was a chatty, rhapsody session catching up with them.  On a side note I've been taking up my driver's license practice. On the 23rd the students were OBLIGED to head up to Bentong for an hour just for the sake of adhering to the lecture for KPP2. I was so wearied and frustrated but thankfully I made some friends there.

31/1/16:
Due to the fact that I'm studying in MCKL aka a Christian-based college, every students in the college is obliged to complete a community service for 20 hours. Initially I wanted to volunteer in a pet society shelter. My mum objected this proposal of mine for I have a go against animals (geez) Therefore I opt for athletic volunteer community called Care 2 Run. I joined there ALONE cause my friends seen athletic (as always). It was definitely an awesome opportunity as I got paired up with a 7 year old Indian girl. She was really awkward but thank god I managed to open up her heart at the end of the session. Even though this will not be completed in 20 hours at least I really celebrate volunteerism and sportsmanship.

A feedback session after we carried out he activity.

February

1/2/16:
Since I'm still in a 8 weekof  bridging course, the college has therefore implemented a subject called 'Character Formation' where the lecturer discusses and guides us with the 8 core values of this college. In conjunction of the 8 core values, all of the 1601 cohorts have to carry out an activity that is way out of our comfort zone. My group consists of 7 members (3 guys) went for zorbing. It's practically a giant human size hamster ball outdoor activity. We had the underwater which was the worst as we were suffocating in a partially vacuum ball. Then it was the bumping zorbing session. Guys were aggressive and girls were very slow and boring HAHA. All of my friends fell except for me look at how stable of my centre of gravity is! (grins broadly) Finally, we went for the one uphill where we where literally pushed down the hill being tied up in the ball. I was paired up with Jack. I was screaming intensely when we were pushed up, after a while, I got subtle and he was perplexed that I might have fainted. 'Are you ok, Kahmun?' HAHAHA. When we reached the ground, my head was spinning and I felt revolting lol. Great experience but I would not spend 120MYR on these three activities.

Russell (the guy on the right) who kept a distance away from Amanda to avoid any misunderstandings or controversiol acts between his girlfriend lol.

"Do the Drake!"
"LOL"

4/2/16:
I went to court as an a level law student. I was really excited but I held my expectations way too high and eventually it was another tedious visit ;) the voice of the judge was monotonous and they had the trial in BM. Everyone was bored and even my lecturer dozed off. The lawyers in the court are rather snobbish and grim yikes so not into being a barristers anymore. Yet, I'm still going to do law for degree.

21/2/16:

Fast forward to Orientation Camp. I was really excited a month before camp but a few days before camp I got really slothful and sluggish geez. My theme was about Musicians and I was in Team Miley Cyrus (lol). Everyone was so awkward but mu leader (winks) *sheepishly evades the whole content* I had tremendous fun on the first night cause it involved team work. On the 2nd day, lord we had the entire day of lecture about SEX. Well I like being exposed with sex edu but not the entire afternoon. On the last day, it was a game involving  PHYSICAL CONTACT, now that's something we don't get in lousy smk brp. Basically boys and girls they have to be physically attached throughout the entire game. Each of the team had to cross to the opposite without being separated. Everyone was pissed off as the game was being carried out under the hot sun. Fortunately, my leader was really smart on picking the spot therefore for the one hour plus we were all under the shade ^^ eventually we did cross to the other side we were ecstatic but the other groups were not HAHA. Overall, it was a so-so camp. I would have loved the camp if more team activities were involved.

The girls 

Team Cyrus!

-To Be Continued- 

Life updates

1. I went to Bali in December. Feel free to click here to enjoy some of the exclusive views and amazing experiences in Bali.

2. I've been reading quite a few books. Been trying to brush up my English to get myself a smoothly pathway in college.

3. I've finally taken up driver's license lesson and just passed my computer test.

4. I went countdown with my friend (nigga) at a bistro. It was quite an astonishing and gawping experience.

5. My friends came to my house and we baked. It was disastrous lmao. Nonetheless, we got to catch up and had fun.

6. My long lost friend dropped by my house and we had a few talks. Get to catch up with each other after 1009000 years.

7. I got to catch up with my childhood friend as well. We bonded strongly ever since the holidays.

8. I got offered to 2 jobs in 1u : Asics and Nike. Due to college, I had to turn the two jobs now even though I got offered very high income. (1800 MYR per month. With commission, I may earn up to 3000 a month! How lucrative is that!)

9. Yup, I'm in college now. I'll write about my life in college on my next post.

10. everyday I'm so gratified and pleased that I get to live on earth. Amen to that.

Extras: first day of lecture commences. Anxious yet excited at the same time...