Let go

The times and moments we shared were incredibly astonishing and magical. I remembered the first time we met: you were making fun of my odd accent during camp. Somehow a lightning bolt strike and sparks were ignited when that happened. There were 3 guys in our group and you somehow caught my attention. Never had I ever felt this tinge of infatuation to a guy before. It was surreal. Last 3 days of spending time with you in camp was painfully enjoyable. It is oxymoronic because the activity was strenuous especially the last days here we had to wreck our brain cells to play that game; it was also enjoyable we got to spend time together and you may not know this but I purposely pulled myself closer to you during the game and I felt butterflies when we had skin ship. You don't have the most captivating looks but your personality was what really enchanted me. When we were about to leave, I tried to ask you going back home with me but then you had other plans and said that you'd send me our photos. Honestly, I was so excited for that. When your name appeared on my screen, I felt like a little girl getting her slab of chocolate after earning my grades. We started talking more and more and idk where did I muster my courage asking you out for a movie. KLCC. I'll always remember that but I couldn't remember what movie was that HA shit. I remembered we went to Chillis for lunch and boy I was terribly bloated after that gourmet. Not to mention it was an expensive meal! I got tired and you pulled me closer to your clavicle and you may not notice but there was actually a twitch in my smile... It was so surreal...

Fast forward to the day when you asked me to be your girlfriend. Never had I dreamt of being asked by you. Hence the extremely odd reply to your proposal as I wasn't expecting any reciprocal. During the times when we hung out, I never expected a guy like you would fall in love with a girl like me. I thought I was no match for anyone due to my dynamic personality. Yet, you came along and proved to me that I deserved to be loved with all your heart. We felt head over heels for each other. Our friends couldn't stop making fun of us. We glued ourselves together and were so attached to once another. 

April 2016 was an eventful month. We celebrated our first month anniversary by buying me a mini Haagen Daas vanilla/matcha (can't remember which) ice cream and I was on top of the world. We went on your very first try on ice skating. Then we also went to DPC and Mont Kiara for a Korean cuisine dinner. Then it was also my very first time trying Franco and the pancakes were delectable. It was also the month when you were hospitalised. At that moment, my mind was playing jokes with me as I thought it was just another sick joke that you played on. When my mum doubted my anxiety, it struck me that the fact you were hospitalised. My dad volunteered to drop by the hospital just to check you were alright. At that moment, I thought you were going to die and I was helpless in doing so. Anxiety and apprehension were rushing in my adrenaline gush and my heart couldn't stop racing on the way to the hospital. There you were lying on your bed, so weak yet so peaceful. At that moment, I knew I was in love, and I believe you were too. 

We went out for more and more dates, adventures and road trips. All these vividly painted a more realistic picture of us staying together as one. I had so many dreams about you and me, happy ending's all I knew. I had even pictured us taking our graduation photo together with you princess carrying me and collecting our results together, I thought we could travel up north for a short break in Penang as we could crash into your aunt's place. I thought I could sing more songs in the car to Taylor Swift to you. I thought we could snuggle frequently in my room whenever you feel tired after a long drive. I thought I could cook you a proper dinner as I always never fancy the idea of dining out. I thought you could serenade your guitar even though you have a raspy harsh tone. I thought I could receive more flowers as the years followed. I thought we could celebrate more years of Christmas. I thought we could even travel to HK together to strengthen our bond. 

Alas, all good things must come to an end. Happiness is just another fleeting shooting star. Bliss is transience. Up till now I still have no idea how or why you'd fall out of love in me. I tried searching for answers but I give up. I have to. It doesn't matter anymore. The girl whom you're holding hands and laughing gleefully now, yeah that's the reality. I need to snap out of it. I need to let go of the things I couldn't hold on to anymore. It's draining me emotionally day by day. It's funny and entertaining to you but it's wrecking me internally. Congratulations then. You two have won the grand prize. I just hope that you two just don't bother me and flaunt off your perfect relationship. Go do all the activites that you've never done with me and hope you've found the missing piece in me. Have fun. Ciao.

Epilogue:

You'll always be a favourite chapter in my life. 2016 will always be a memorable year.  One day when I reread this chapter, it will not be so painful anymore. Sometimes I hate you for contributing so much that it's surmountable for me to erase them, but I'm still thankful for all these beautiful memories that we made in the past 11 months. Thank you so much for coming into my life. I hope that I've made a huge impact in your life just like you do too in me. You've played a huge part of my life in 2016 but well happiness doesn't last long.

 You're figuratively dead to me now. Goodbye past. 

Valentine's day

This is definitely a long overdue post as I have been pondering over to put this in an excerpt. After 2 months of recuperation, I've finally mustered my gut and ready to talk about this beautifully tragic day about this boy and this girl.

The day started off ordinarily: going to class and studying for A2. The boy and the girl haven't been communicating excessively for a few days. Surprise no surprise, she got miffed and almost cancelled the date. Attention feeds her.

She actually had tuition on that day. The 2 students in the tuition have their own respective partners to celebrate Valentine's Day with. That day, she had a full makeup on and her contact lenses was irritating her eyes. She tried so hard to concentrate. When class was over, she had to drive to Kepong from BU. I know, on Valentine's Day?! But she's neutral with the idea because the boy has been taking her out since day 1. It was time for a little change.

Seeing her boy dressed suavely in a casual smart tee was what she had been picturing on the way to his comfort. In reality, he just woke up from his nap and was still in his ugly but cute tee shirt and shorts. She has always loved seeing him in his comfy Hawaiian shorts. He led her to his room while his hands were pressed against my eyes. She tried not to get suspicious but she knew something was up. She just didn't know what.

After half an hour, he stormed into his room and presented the most beautiful bouquet of flowers in front of her eyes. She was infinitely rejoiced and overwhelmed. That was the first ever bouquet of flowers she had ever received. Some roses had bloomed whereas some were still in their shut eye. She planted a kiss on the boy's lips and uttered 'I love you'.

They then went for a romantic dinner at Italiannese. The atmosphere was romantically and endearingly dim and it was a night for all the couples out there. Be it the young, same sex or the old ones. The dinner was spectacular and the girl wouldn't want this night to end. She was grinning the whole night as she contemplated over how lucky she was having him as her partner. She longed, expected and demanded for more. She pictured spending more years of Valentine's Day with him.

Alas, it didn't turn out the way she wanted. Everything ended in a blink of an eye. Those last moments that they spent in her car were blood, sweat and tears. She begged for him to stay and continue loving her. She begged for a change. She begged for a restart. Unfortunately, the boy insisted and was adamant about his decision. Tears were incessantly rolling down her cheeks as pangs of heartbreak were audible now. They held and shared one last kiss together and she drove off while watching him turning his back against her. 

Alone in the car while Air Supply's "All Out Love" was synchronized (Geez, what a great song at the right time huh). The tears were just like those rebellious teens, fighting and rolling around her eyes. She couldn't fight back the tears and they poured down like a downfall. Thank god she had her waterproof mascara on. And then she went home and kept staring at those beautiful roses that he bestowed.

Here is the Valentine's Day story about a boy and a girl whom the latter thought she would spend her the rest of the upcoming days with. Alas, the love potion ran out and it is time to revert back to reality. However, it was still a memorable day. 

A beautifully tragic day. 

To you

It's been more than a month since the relationship ended. I had my utmost devastation for the past 2 weeks after breaking up. I couldn't have a proper appetite to be appeased; nor a well rest shut eye. You used to come and visit in my dreams, and every night I woke up feeling angst and anxious. 2 weeks after breaking up, I was completely morose and forlorn. People have been noticing a change in my body mass as much weight has been shed. The dark circles underneath my ears have gotten a few shades darker and I felt vapid as if I've lost part of my soul. I bawled occasionally and even googled remedies on how to get him back. How stupid was i you must be thinking. Haha. Imploring, crying and whining for his comeback etc. I've done all those. For those who are going through a heartbreak, it is completely normal to behave in such a way. It's the most natural thing to do when someone whom you've loved left you. Life is never a bed of roses, and tell yourself that it is a free permit to react absurdly.

What's the powerful thing on earth? I'd say time. All those depression, devastations, disappointments and discomfit that you might encounter them. Instead of curbing them, let loose of them. Let time do its magic. I wouldn't lie that it's going to be hard for me to move on.

 It's a 11month+ of beautiful memories, no fights, no bickering and no resentment. Just love and passion that we once shared. Of course it's hard, but I'm getting better day by day. Thank you so much for these beautiful and joyful memories. Thank you for treating me like a phoenix back then. Thank you for all the spontaneous trips from Malacca to Taiping to Kampar and to Penang. Thank you for always tolerating my nasty behaviour. Thank you for always waiting for my class to end and taking the train together back home.We fell head over heels for each other and this was also my very first time that I've ever truly madly and deeply in love in someone else. It feels like I've known you since forever. Your caress, your twitch, your hair, your pimples, your birthmark are so distinctive in my eye. Your smell always permeates homely masculinity in my vicinity. Your voice, yes the raspy yet dreamy voice of yours was what that really enchanted me during our first encounter. It really stings me that our story has ended but i have no regrets because we have made it our best and maybe we are not meant for each other. If you are reading this i'm pretty sure you'd be there holding another girl's hands and enjoying each other's company. I wish that you'd find your purpose and maybe just maybe you'll settle down even earlier than i do. Please remember to invite me to your wedding! 2016 will always be my favourite year and I'm so glad that you were the one I got to share my journey in a level at MCKL with you. You'll always be my favourite chapter in the book of my life. Though We may not be able finish this path together I wish the both of us the best of luck in future. We may not share that special bond anymore but I'll always have your back. For now, individuality is what matters to me. Focus on yourself and fruitfulness will just bear.